need…..freeeeedom…
Im surprised Pat didn’t try to call me today. But I didn’t have my phone all day so If he did I didn’t notice.
Pat’s a great guy and all, but…I think he’s getting a little too attached to me. I never truly understood the phrase "I need my space" until now. I dont mind the fact that he’s always there….Before school, during school, after school. That I can deal with, because I like hanging out with him. But when Im at school, trying to get my lunch, and he’s hanging onto me — hugging and holding me the whole entire time, it gets kind of annoying. Every minute he’s with me he wants to touch me (not in a bad way :p). Every once in a while, its fine. While we’re not at school, it’s fine. But every single waking minute of everyday, its not.
I can’t help it, I don’t like to be touched. I don’t like to touch other people either. I don’t know why, Im just strange like that. Jesse says Im prude 
but Im not. I hope. Maybe it just has something to do with the fact that I find it hard to trust people, to get close to them. Or maybe its chlostrophobia. I dunno.
He finds it funny, that Pat will be hugging me, and I’ll just sit there like he’s not doing anything. I asked Jesse what I’m supposed to do then. He says Im supposed to at least hug him back or something. Okay, I don’t mind doing that…but not in a crowded school cafeteria while Im trying to eat my lunch. It’s just stupid.
Jesse also asked me how I’m planning to have kids when Im older If I dont like being touched -.-
There’s something strange about Jesse. I always have this weird feeling when I’m around him. I remember when I first met him, I was going out with Jamison. And I always wondered "What if….?" What if I could be with Jesse? I know I never could, because I already had a boyfriend, and I would never break up with him for another guy. But what if I did? It would never work out, we’re much better off being friends. But what if it worked?
Im ashamed to admit it, but those are the sort of thoughts going through my head right now…I feel horrible for it, but I can’t help it. The same sort of thoughts have always gone through my head with Frank. But with him I know for a fact I could never be with him because we’ve got 20 states seperating us now.
I remember once Pat asked me what my "dream guy" would be. What type of guy would I want to marry. With no thought at all, Frank popped into my mind. Of course, I didn’t tell Pat that 😛 But I honestly couldn’t think of a "type", I could only think of Frank. I havent talked to him in so long now, since Ive been away from my computer so much. It used to make me sad when I wasn’t able to talk to him for long periods of time. Now, I think it’s making me more independent, more able to rely on myself, since Ive always relied on him. Ive always relied on him to be there for me, to help me with things.
Still, I’d never leave Pat. He’s got enough good traits to make up for his flaws. I told that to Jesse, who says he has a power to jinx people’s relationships. He predicted Pat’s and mine won’t last for another two weeks. I know Im not gonna be with Pat forever — To tell the truth, I don’t think Id want to — but ive got no intention of leaving him at the moment, and I dont think he has any intention of leaving me either.