It seems so out of context

Well, it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in here, but since I only think about this thing like once every couple years, I figure I should update it.

Last night I went and read through nearly every entry I ever did. It was kinda depressing. I’d forgotten about so many things that happened back then. And I hadn’t realized I experienced so many injustices. Maybe that’s why i’m now very competetive, I always have to prove my points. It kinda pisses frank off but i’m learning to just chill and let things go sometimes.

I wonder though if it really was injustice or if that was just my point of view as a 14 year old. I guess it doesn’t matter. As a 14 year old, I saw it as injustice, it felt unjust to me.

I haven’t been around my mom in so long I forgot she used to be that bad. Now I realize why I hated her so much. And my dad. My dad isn’t like that anymore though, which makes me think I may have been exagerating or maybe he really was just an angry person at that time. I’d be angry too if I had to put up with my mom on a daily basis.

She moved out…what, 3 years ago? She got remarried like 6 months later to some asian guy with a kid who lives in chicago who hates him. I don’t think I wrote about all that in here. My mom leaving was honest to god the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My life became SO much more peaceful. I can’t remember the last time I heard someone yell or shout at anyone. I had forgotten what’s it like to be around that daily until I reread my entries. No wonder I had so many issues.

I found out though that she has legit diagnosed mental problems. Go figure. I remember once shortly after she left, it was thanksgiving and my brother had gotten home from having heart surgery that day and she tried to break into the house. She was outside freaking out and smashed a window with a brick. I was SO pissed off, for my brother. He didn’t need that shit after heart surgery, cmon. But whatever…it’s over. Nowadays, I only have to see her in small doses, and she’s fine in small doses usually.

Anyway we moved again last summer a couple streets away from my old house. My dad’s girlfriend and her two kids moved in with us. Brenna’s half a year younger than me, and Alex is 2 years younger than Micheal. All three of them are really really nice and laidback. Teresa’s the kind of mom I wish I grew up with. It really really sucks reading through my old things and seeing what i had, and seeing what I have now. It makes me mad that I was denied that growing up.

It’s over now. I just need to forget about it again. At least now I have a record of how I felt as a teenager, so when I have my own kids I can look back and see all that, and keep it in mind as I raise them.

I really do want kids. Thats the one thing left in life I want to do before I die. Frank doesn’t want kids, but I told him if he stays with me, he’s getting them. Steve and I broke up last spring. It was a mutual breakup, although I will admit I kind of tried to get him to take me back shortly after. He really was a good guy, just not for me. We weren’t intimately compatible (something I attribute to my never being shown affection as a child) and he didn’t give me the amount of attention I needed. Frank does. And frank doesn’t drink or go out too much or live a stereotypical loser. An hour after we broke up, frank claimed me as his. So I was single for an hour. Frank and i have been trying to see each other as much as possible. I spent nearly a month there last summer, he came down for christmas, and i’m going back up there for two months this summer. The plan is for him to move down here next january once we’re both done with college, but I dont think he’s gonna do it. I don’t want to live up there, although I love him with all my heart, I can’t stand the thought of being alone with just him, because he’s an even lazier person than I am. I’m terrible at making friends so I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with. And im terrified of planes so i’d never get to see my family.

I dont want to move up there, and he doesnt want to move down here, but he doesn’t want to leave me. He says he’s going to be miserable without me and miserable if he moves down here, so he’d rather be miserable and have me than be miserable and alone. It’s a mess. I’m not getting my hopes up. I’ve braced myself and have a plan for whatever happens. Forcing myself to not care about things as a teenager really worked. Shortly after my mom left, my dad had us all see a therapist just to make sure we were handling it okay. He told me I was one of the happiest people he’s ever met, as a therapist he doesn’t see too many happy people. The way I see it, I can dwell over things and be unhappy, or I can not care and be happy. Why should I let myself get bothered by things if its only going to make me mad? I’ve had enough depression for one life, I’m not doing it again.