i annoy myself

I feel like crap. My stomach is killing me, and I dont know why. I took some medicine a little earlier, but it didnt work, so it might be a different reason other than…wtf? Ugh…I dont remember what its called. My brain is being stupid right now. ??? WHY CANT I REMEMBER?  *bangs head on desk*. Well…anyway im used to feeling like im gonna throw up. I feel like this every other day. I guess ive learned to just ignore it, because the last time i actually threw up was during the summer at a swim meet, and that had been the first time in a year. (Ha, actually…If I wanted to, I coulda ignored it that time too, but I decided to let my stomach do what it wanted so i wouldnt have to swim  )

I dont know what I ate though this time…maybe my dad accidently made the tacos we had for dinner extra-greasy.

Anyway…Ive really got to work on my picture.

So far, Ive got almost half of it finished. It took me 3 weeks to get this far, and I need to give it to my teacher on thursday . I need to quit putting things off until the last minute. Either that or figure out why I cant ever finish anything. Its really starting to piss me off. Ill see a contest, whether its a drawing contest, a photography contest, or something to do with the sims, and I’ll think to myself  "I can so do that!". So I begin working on it, arrogantly knowing ive got a great chance of winning, and thinking happily about what Im going to do with my prize.

But for some reason, somehow, I dont ever finish. The very few times i actually finished something, I never sent it in. And after I realized I never sent it in, I see the winners and smash my head on the keyboard, knowing for a fact that I actually couldve won.

So this time, I am GOING to send in this stupid picture. Honestly, I dont care if it wins or not, I just want to finish something for once. But hey, If I win, I wont complain. Oh what I could do with $5000 dollars…Even getting 10th place would be great. $250 can go a long way.

But I know I’m not gonna win this. Im almost 100% sure of it. They want pictures with meaning, about happiness, old people, or babies. See, this is the one that won last year.

They dont want me, in the snow, with my guitar . On the entry form I have to write why I made it or something. I want to put, "Because my teacher told me to show "my refuge", and to get a good grade," but im going to put something else. Im not sure what though…I still need to think about it. Gotta make up a "deep", "meaningful" reason for drawing it.

Im also probably not gonna win because I have a problem with showing detail. I’m trying as hard as I can to pay attention to that stuff, to make the picture look more photo-realistic. But its hard. I know I can, its just hard. After spending literally 2 hours shading your arm, you tend to get sick of it.

So yea, besides that, I felt really weird this morning. Why? Because I had to go shopping for actual church clothes last night. God…shopping is not fun. Especially if its for church, and with someone who has a style completely opposite of yours. Ive been wearing jeans and a plain black tshirt to church every weekend, but my dad finally decided I need to wear something "nice". What I call nice, he calls scary, and vice-versa. So against my will, we went to dillards.

Everything there is very not me. At all. Picturing myself in those clothes made me want to barf. My mom told me I wasnt leaving without getting something to wear. She didn’t protest too much when I found a black skirt I liked. She made me get the matching jacket thing with it though. I didnt protest even though I hated it, because I know its going to get cold, and my dad wont let me wear tank tops and stuff unless I have a jacket on.

Anyway, I found this awesome black shirt. It was so pretty, I <3 it. It went great with the skirt, but my mom refused to let me wear all black. I woulda settled with brown or a dark color, but the only other colors they had in the shirt were friggin bright pink and neon green and stuff. I eventually got her to let me though. I already was being forced to wear weird clothes, I needed to be some-what comfortable in them. And to me, black is comfortable. I dont know why, it just is.

I can’t wait until halloween. Its gonna be so much fun . Me and kirsten and pat and a few other people have already got plans to have a party and stuff. Its gonna rule

Thats if we dont move by then, though i really dont think we are. Besides, if we are, we can all go over to Pat’s instead.