Trying to save my garden

I’ve never been a gardener. Every plant I’ve had has died. But all the sudden I have a thriving garden, and one of my tomato plants has an actual green tomato! I’ve been planning their rescue for weeks. Today I dug up a few, transplanted them to pots, and brought them inside. We’ll see. If they stayed outside they’d die in the first frost, inside – the transplant may kill them. But it feels good to try. If nothing else, I’ll know planting in the spring will likely result in thriving plants.

im not thriving. I don’t know if I ever did. I keep myself alive through medications and lots and lots of alcohol. I keep trying to get a psychiatrist but times are weird – and they don’t call back or don’t make appointments.

The other day was so awful and i took one of my last long hoarded emergency Xanax and I calmed down and slept for a few hours, alcohol free. It felt so good. I felt normal.

im sick of drinking, but it’s the only thing that works. And requires no prescription and no appointment.

My brain doesn’t work right, no matter how much water I drink or how often I sink my bare fingers into the dirt. I’m an anxious cucumber. I don’t know how not to be. Thank god for alcohol. Thank god for relief. Thank you for the brain slowdown and relief. I just want peace.