Venting

Today I’m in LA. It’s 8:23 PM & I’m so aggravated with my life. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be POPULAR. I wanted everyone to like me and want to be like me and want to be my friend and to date me or just be in my midst. I guess you can say I wanted to be like Jesus.
Right now, my life is far from it. I’m adored by Shervin. I don’t even want to mention him but I sorta have to since he’s like one of the main characters in my life right now. But before I get to him let me finish talking about me.
I am 38 years old. It is almost March and my 39th birthday is in 3 months and 12 days. I feel like a total loser. The only thing I have going for me are my looks. I’m in shape for the most part, got clear skin that cleared up with a mixture of chemical peels/hydra facials/sunblock and sleep, and my hair long. I just started appreciating my height, and my gums are no longer black. I got gum depigmentation and lip blush to sorta erase my past. I spent a major amount of my time being a loser weed head. I opened my apartment to so many different strangers when I didn’t want to pay for weed. I don’t remember any of them during my smoking haze but they remember me bc I always served tea for my guests. Weed and tea.
I self medicated for years and probably did so many other things that God frowned upon. One thing I haven’t done lately is having sex. I literally lost count. Wait I know how long…my calculations say: 4 years and 1 month and 24 days and 20 hours and 34 minutes from this very moment.
Which leads me back to Shervin. He’s my boyfriend now. I think he’s a virgin but I’m not sure. The most we’ve ever done is hold hands and hug. He gives very long hugs. The kind of hugs where you wonder how long before it ends. He also holds my hand and kisses it occasionally very softly. I cringe every time. I deal with his hugs and hand kisses because he’s the only person who treats me like a princess. He buys me things and takes me places and always helped me out in life. He’s like my guardian Angel in real life. He’s been around even during my darkest days. I’ve known him since I was 18.
He knows so much about me. Like almost everything. I wonder if he knows I’m faking my love for him. He should know because he met me when I attended acting school, and even to this day, he takes me to my self tape auditions.
Now most would say I’m leading him on. But he chooses this life. I think a part of him knows that once I’m no longer in his life, then he will have to actually speak to other women. I don’t think he’s afraid of other women at all. In fact, he left me once for another woman when I was in my early twenties. We were only friends at he time and I had a boyfriend then. Although Shervin and I would be around each other almost everyday, he deserted me for a Hispanic girl that I never laid eyes on. He got used so bad from that situation. This girl manipulated him so badly that he was unknowingly bringing this girl to visit her boyfriend everyday, and she eventually got pregnant. Just goes to show, that if another woman comes along and manipulates him; I might lose him.
I don’t ever plan on having sex with Shervin. That would be rock bottom for me. I’m hoping that when I become famous, so many women will throw themselves at him because they want to steal him away from me. I devised a plan to become famous, and I will get a private investigator to see if he flirts with other women. I’ll make it as the excuse as to why I cannot be with him anymore. I don’t want to kiss him either. The only thing deserving of a kiss is a car or house. That’s how much I don’t like Shervin. But don’t get me wrong, I love him very much! I just don’t love him in a way where I’m sexually attracted to him.
I think he’s chosen me to obsess over because of my soul and the way I look. I probably sound like a monster right now, but I really do have a good heart. I’m at a point where I’m not jealous of the obvious people who have the success I desire such as : Beyoncé, Rhianna or Zendaya. These days it’s just Zendaya…no kids, hit show, gorgeous, but she doesn’t have the career I desire. She tried to have a hit song called, Replay, but people never took to her music. I guess it was manufactured, and didn’t come from the heart.
I remember one time I heard that if 2Pac was alive; he’d be the greatest rapper of all time because he has more heart that anybody in the game…more than Jayz. 2Pac and I are Geminis. So is Kanye, Marilyn Monroe, and some other people I admire. I’m not sure if I believe in astrology at all. For over 5 years, different tarot card readers said I’ll be successful. Well I’ve been living in the hood for the past 5 years…even longer than that!
That’s the reason why I’m starting this diary! I’m documenting how much I’m aggravated about my life. Don’t get me wrong; I’m very grateful. I’m grateful for my health, for my parents, for my ability to fly back and forth to LA, for my talents, and for my looks…but I never been popular.
I remember being popular but not in the way I wanted to be. I was mostly known by my classmates and teachers. It’s funny I keep referring to my school aged years, but I feel like that is how adult life is. For example, guess what’s all over YouTube today? A feud between Hailey Beiber and Selena Gomez. Selena posted her eyebrows being laminated during a TikTok. Then, Kylie Jenner made fun of her by posting three hours later about her eyebrows. Then, Kylie Jenner and Hailey Beiber both got on a FaceTime and screenshot their eyebrows on a phone call. And even though Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and Justine Skye were all involved, only Hailey is currently being unfollowed on her on Instagram. Supposedly she’s lost close to 500k followers. This is our news today. Not to mention a social media couple deemed the new Bobby & Whitney named Blueface and Chrisean Rock. They are known for making money though different media outlets for fighting each other all the time.
Shervin is a server at a popular restaurant and served them(Blue&Rock). Shervin mentioned how he spoke to their body guard, and well….that’s that.
My life consists of calls from Shervin and different people who I used to smoke with whom I no longer talk to. The tarot card readers on YouTube say a curse has been broken. A karmic curse. What the hell is a karmic curse? Let me see… I looked it up an couldn’t find anything except breaking away from something bad that even existed in a past life.
That’s why I stopped smoking and looking at tarot card readers. I know for a fact that smoking was holding me back. I know my life is going to be uneasy if I don’t stay busy in Houston. I have a lot of things scheduled so that will be good in order to stay away from smoking. I really don’t want to go back to weed. Omg, it ruined my fucking life….and I never curse…but that’s how much it affected me.
But now that I stopped for 25 days; I hope I’ll never go back. I bet Zendaya doesn’t smoke. I can almost guarantee you because she’s so skinny. When I smoke I get the munchies and my stomach bloats like a balloon. My eyes get jaundiced looking and my lips turn black. It’s like smoking an ugly stick; I don’t know why I did it for so long. I secretly still want to smoke.
Now that I’m sober, my life is pretty damn boring. I don’t go out because I still associate fun with drinking wine and smoking weed. I can’t even drink any type of alcohol because I’m afraid I might get triggered. I hate that I can’t get high. I like smoking, not any gummies or foods with THC…I just prefer blunts. But now, I guess I’m a full time square now. I hate that!!!!
In my dreams I get tempted to smoke all the time. My dreams have become so vivid. In all my dreams, these rappers try to entice me and ruined my sobriety. That let’s me know to avoid all rappers. And if I ever do a collab, do not join them in the studio.
As far as my music, I’ve been doing everything on my own. No one in my family is in the entertainment industry or know anything about the industry to help me. In fact, I feel like some family members make fun of me or feel sorry for me. I was recently invited to my cousin’s  wedding but he and I don’t even talk anymore. His mom is my aunt who barely speaks to me either. In fact, even my own brother and sister don’t relate to me. They each have a son who are my nephews, and I bet they think I’m weird too. I’m completely the black sheep of the family. I don’t mean to throw my family under the bus in any way but I don’t think they like me. I think they just snicker behind my back. Of course, I have a few distant relatives that think it’s awesome that I’m going after my dreams. Overall, I believe my family thinks I’m talented but not really in a way where they want to help me. After all, I’m an adult; why should they chip in and help me in any way?
I feel aggravated again. Just thinking about my life frustrates me. I feel like a loser. Although, I think I live a pretty good life. I don’t have any kids. I see that as a plus! And I travel back and forth to LA; another plus! I have the best clothes & shoes if I want to dress up. Given, they aren’t label brand but they are mostly new.
I meet with my therapist tomorrow. She’s actually helpful but very annoying and long winded. She’s super weird too. She sometimes picks up her dog during our zoom meetings. More and more she’s getting relaxed around me. Last time, she was home and there was a lot of background noise. She annoys me but I know I’m about to change therapists soon.
I’m happy to talk to my therapist about finding my voice. That’s what we are working on. I noticed when I spoke to my dad yesterday my voice got kinda childish sounding. I am glad I recognized it. With my mom, I think I sound more like a woman so that’s comforting to know. I’m trying to stand more into my womanhood. I feel like since I’m really not in a relationship, living alone, no children or pets; I have to find responsibility in ways that will make sure I will not digress in life. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. I’m not sure if my life makes sense anymore. Sure, I want to live past 100 years old, but my 38 years so far seem to have been a wasteful blur.
I’ve had about 6 to 7 relationships total in life. Enough to make me realize that I don’t like men or women. Both genders annoy me. I like being alone. Maybe if I had a big enough house
I would like someone else’s company, but I love not being in a relationship. That’s why I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong with Shervin. He gets to tell everyone that I’m his girlfriend, and I will never cheat. I just don’t want him to kiss me or ever have sex.
By now, I probably sound like a totally fucked up human being. I hope I don’t sound like one. I just want to be liked. I want everyone to buy my music. I want to be cast in movies. I want to travel. I want to be able afford Pilates. I want to go to the spa at least three times a month. I want to own a condo that has a security guard downstairs. I want covered parking and easy direct access to my unit with preferably my own private elevator. I want to have friends…but cool friends. But I don’t know how to have friends without smoking.
I wish I knew how to have fun without weed and alcohol. I don’t have any, but I wish I could pop Xanax. I wish I could try shrooms. I want to do all these bad things but it seems like I’m not allowed to partake if I want to be successful. I bet Zendaya doesn’t do any of these things. She seems so sure of herself. It’s so funny how she’s such a square in real life and makes it looks easy. She’s probably only did drugs once for experimental purposes then never did it again!
Maybe that’s why I’m unpopular. I’m unpopular because I smoked too much weed. I wasted so much time. And maybe I’m unpopular because I don’t have parents like her that invested so much time and money towards my success. Sometimes I wonder, who has a better life? Think about it, I’m anonymous now, but one day -I will be super famous. I got to have a childhood, make mistakes, decided my sexuality in private THEN had all my dreams come true.
I called the suicide hotline I think a week ago. This bitch told me to maybe redirect my path. She can redirect these nuts and suck a dick. I’m not giving up on my dreams. I have a Olay sponsorship waiting, a television short series to one day tape, huge impactful films to be a part of, and music to share and to tour all around the world. I want to be loved and adored like Tina Turner. I want to have secret affairs with my costars. I want to still smoke weed and drink alcohol- but only once a week. I’ll hire someone to watch my intake and make sure I’m not sloppy. Actually, I probably have to be a square if I want success. It’s probably one or the other. I can’t be promiscuous and do drugs and still wish to be popular. I can be popular but it won’t be for the right reasons.
I just wish I can no longer have the desire to want to do these “bad” things. It’s like those who do drugs, can never forget that high feeling. It never escapes their mind. Like me, I know weed is horrible for me. I want my dreams more. I pray my addiction goes away. I pray I do really well in my next film. I pray I book reservation dogs. I pray my songs go viral. I pray I look and feel beautiful. I pray others will want to sing my songs and look at my films. I pray I will have peace. I pray that haters will be non existent (but even Jesus had haters). I pray that everything works out with Shervin. I pray we both find love. I pray I can take care of my parents one day. I pray that I will have an awesome team that will set me up for success. I pray I can understand the business. I pray that I will sing so well and act so believably. I pray that this aggravation will be replaced with joy. And I pray for protection; that no one reading this will try to harm me in any way. I just needed to vent….