The Day Before My Shoot

I never made it to the recording studio yet. Instead, I’ve been battling my addiction. Constantly I’ve been feeling cravings. I noticed my cravings come from frustration. But by having a clear mind, I am able to work through the problem quicker and more effectively.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to do everything on my own for my career without any financial help or knowing someone who can guide me. But truth be told, I could not have it any other way. I rather be in charge. However, I let my acting career be in the hands of my talent agency in Houston.

I think my talent agency is the best in Houston. However, the main agent ignores me. She only keeps me around because she thinks I’m talented. Her name is Cindi; and she is a black woman that runs the establishment(I secretly admire her). When I was in Los Angeles, I gained the attention of a new agency who I meet with on March 15th. I hope this agency will open more doors for my acting career.

When it comes to my music career, I do everything. Sure I may have others create my instrumentals or record my music, but I write my lyrics, sing and in control of my imagery. I decide what I talk about. My latest song is about knowing you are “enough” in the face of social adversities. The song stemmed from a rapper going “ghost” on me when he claims he’s my brother. Nothing bad happened between us, just one moment he was in my life and the next second he wasn’t. It actually was one of the best things he could have done for me. Now I’m forced to replace his verses on one of my songs with my own lyrics.

That’s the great thing about not “making it” yet. I get decide who I want to be without any influence. So if I want to start rapping; whose going to say I cannot? I already know what I’m going to talk about too in the song. It’s funny because when I performed in Chicago, a lady told me that she felt “Erykah Badu vibes” from me. I always felt like I wanted to add a poetic element to some of my music. Now’s no better time to start.

It’s 6:30am in Houston. It’s my second night sleeping in my own bed instead of being at my parents house. I love being back home now. I can see the light peeking through my window above my bed. I have maid service coming today. It will be a blonde woman named Cynthia, helping me with my place. I plan to clean the oven, windows, shelves, and baseboards…and she will clean the fridge, floors, bathroom, and counters. I probably should have not scheduled all of this before I leave out of town tomorrow to Cedar Park, Texas.

Tomorrow, I shoot my music video for one of my favorite songs I’ve written. I cannot thank God enough for opening so many doors for me. I think I really have it good because I get to enjoy my craft without the scrutiny of being a celebrity. To others, I’m just a girl whose going after her dreams. It makes people not want to charge me an arm and a leg for my projects! It also makes me remember those who’ve helped me so I can work with them again in the future. I never forget those who support my career!

I wanted to smoke so bad yesterday. I didn’t though. I promised myself to at least make it through Lenten season. Of course, I want to never smoke again in life. I think my guardian Angels have something to do with me not going into the recording studio. Maybe I’m not ready to step in that environment yet.

I am definitely seeing the positive changes in my body though. My hair is so soft and no longer dry and brittle. I haven’t had a pimple in over a month! My scars are disappearing from my face to a point where they are barely visible. My eyes are brighter, and my lips are pink. As far as my weight, I’m noticing that’s more of a choice thing. Meaning, I have to decide what I put inside myself, and I have to put in effort to exercise. Healthy eating choices and exercise are the only things that will help me attain my fitness goals.

I plan to not be so hard on myself though. I am starting my health journey slowly by changing my eating habits. It’s just so obvious that America has such poor eating choices available. Everywhere you turn are restaurants that offer terrible food choices. If I want soup, it’s full of sodium. If I want a salad, it’s full of bacon, cheese, or has a fattening dressing. And if I want anything else, it’s just filled with unknown ingredients that are so complex and not good for the body. It’s like you are forced to cook, and I absolutely hate cooking.

I’m tempted to get out of bed for a Starbucks latte but there’s a McDonald’s right across, that’s screaming my name for a McGriddle. Yesterday I had a subway sandwich and two bags of baked chips as well as a cookie. Not even that is a good eating choice. America needs to do better. I’ve never been to Japan but I have a feeling that place offers better eating selections. You never see anyone obese in that country.

Since today is the day before my music video, I plan to pack for the shoot, workout, get my nails done, and then sleep over at my parents house tonight. I want to buy dog treats for my videographer’s dog and a card with flowers in a vase for the main director. I’m paying them both a fraction of the price and I want to show my appreciation for working with me.

I have until 1pm to go to the store and also workout. Then from, 1-5pm I will be cleaning my apartment and packing my bags. Then at 5:30pm, I will get my nails done. Then by 9pm, I will be at my parents house. Unless, I sleep at my place and just drive to my parents house in the morning. I will probably plan to do that instead.

“Jesus, thank you for my life. Thank you for this body, mind and soul. Thank you for the doors you are opening for me as well as the ones you are closing. Thank you for my talents. Thank you for letting me be able to find an outlet to express my thoughts and emotions. I pray every reading my diary will have a good day. Thank you for the day ahead of me. Please keep me safe. Please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. Amen”