Relapse 1

I smoked in studio yesterday. I walked in studio with the producer who is married. The main producer I work with is married too. There I was, in studio, with two married men. But of course, I stay wearing baggy clothes and never remotely flirting. I always conduct myself in a classy manner.
I made an effort to put myself together today and I wore burgundy lipstick. My hair was down and I wore my California t-shirt with light blue jeans and black tennis shoes. I was 15 min late for studio and we didn’t officially begin until 2:30pm. I still paid Kalani for three hours even though we only worked for two hours. That’s what happens when I get high. I pay him too much. This always happens when I get high because I’m not paying attention. And no, I never get a refund or ask for the money back. I know Kalani needs the money for his wife and family.
We worked on a new song yesterday. My music is getting better and better every time! This song was about empowerment and believing in yourself against social adversities. It has a club edm/house party sound with such high intensity energy! This song is like Madonna and Lady Gaga mixed with Grace Jones; there is even a “vogue” moment.
I smoked in studio because I was stressed out. I don’t like anyone in my sessions. Kalani starts relaxing and time flies by and I’m paying for all of that studio time!!! I specifically told the visiting producer to not hold too much conversation. This fool not only has prolonged conversation; he orders weed and has a whole pow wow session with Kalani during my studio time, causing me to pay an extra $35. I know that may not seem like a lot, but it is when you are existing on less than a hundred bucks.
I am in serious trouble with money. Luckily, I found an employment specialist who will help me with finding work. This specialist does nothing really except holds you accountable. For example, she will stay on the phone with me until I finished typing up my resume and application. She doesn’t do anything for me except say, “keep going” & “you can do this!”.
I am so happy that today is Saturday and not Sunday. I leave on Monday for a whole entire month in LA.
There was a man who is currently staying in my Airbnb, and I hope he left the place in pristine condition. I love that Airbnb, however, the only thing I’m going to miss is my bathtub. I’m a bathtub person; not a shower person. I’m going to make the Airbnb’s shower more pleasant by finding eucalyptus to hang in the there. And I’m going to get one of those mats from the dollar store so my feet won’t have to touch the tile floor.
I was not excited about seeing Shervin at first, but now I’m just going to make the best of it. Not everyone has someone, and at least there’s a man in this world that’s crazy over me. I have to deal with his long excessive hugs, gawking and hand holding. Excuse me while I vomit….
My goals in LA are to not smoke, have my agent meeting the very next day I land in LA, complete part two of my music video that is being filmed by a group of USC students, and have four vocal lessons with Thomas (Santa Claus looking man who lost his daughter to drug overdose). I don’t really need to see Thomas, but I think he needs to see me. I think he could use the company of a beautiful woman who will laugh and have fun with him, enjoying music. And, I’m sure me giving him $40 every time I see him will brighten his day too.
I’m starting to be more mindful of whose life I am making easier with my presence. I know I can’t afford Thomas, but I believe God will supply the financial means for this. He’s brought me Shervin to help me. I plan on paying Shervin back every dime, and then some by purchasing his dream car. But I know Shervin just truly wishes for me. He’d choose me over a car on any day. After all, you can’t kiss and have sex with a car…which I know Shervin ultimately fantasizes about with me. Excuse me while I vomit (again)….
I have a busy day. I have to go to the laundromat, go to Walmart, go to the hairdresser, then come home and pack for LA (along with some major cleaning before I go). My day starts at 8:30am and will end at 9:30pm. Hopefully, I will be in bed by 11pm tonight. I plan to go to 8am Sunday service and then I have a self-care day, which includes a facial and getting my nails done.
I don’t want to use my savings but I have no choice. I pray I find work to replenish those funds used…or better yet, I get a call back from one of my auditions.
Since I smoked, I want to smoke again today. I may buy weed, but what good will that do? I will just waste money. I will just smell like a skunk all day. I’m not sure; I’m still thinking about it. I honestly don’t think I really smoked. I only had about three or four puffs; that doesn’t even really count. So if I don’t buy weed, then technically I can keep riding this train of sobriety.
My sister came into town last night. Even though I live 37 miles from the parents house, I drove there to see her. She had a little girl that she semi adopted as a godchild. This little girl was tiny and I held her in my very first music video. That was about seven years ago, and now she’s taller than me!
I said, “Wow! You’re taller than me Destiny!” And then my sister said, “Let’s take a picture of your backs side by side (to show height comparison)”.
Now why the fly eff would I want to do some ish like that?!! Instead, I said, “no thanks. I don’t feel like taking a picture”. And she was like, “why not?!!”.
My sister is very controlling with my brother and her husband. She needs to steer the ship and tell them what to do and how to do it or she will guilt trip you. That doesn’t work with me, and that’s the main reason why we are not close.
Even though she’s ten years older than me, she began pouting and said, “fine, I will never ask to take a picture of you again!”
My monotone response was, “well, that’s a little dramatic.” I could literally see the fumes coming out of her ears like a cartoon. I snickered on the inside.
Like I said, both my brother and sister have a good amount of cash, big houses and new cars. They never ever once helped me out financially when it came to my career. In fact, when I was younger and strapped for cash I went into porn. I told my sister about doing porn and she encouraged me! She said, “you got the body for it!”
I think a real big brother and sister would have come together and spoke to the parents about my situation or even sent me money. That’s why I never give my nephews money. I shouldn’t punish my two nephews in this way, but I use every dime I have to keep my head above water. And besides, they both drive nicer cars than me and each have at least 80k in savings from their parents. They have their parents to take care of them; they don’t need my money. One of them is very understanding, however my sisters son, looks at me like a loser. Maybe they both look at me in this manner but I don’t care to worry about what they think of me anymore. I just love them as their aunt. I really do love my nephews.
I realize what triggered me to smoke….Keith! My former “pretend” manager. He constantly says: you need an investor, you need someone who can help you with shows, you need a bigger fanbase, you need money for marketing, you need more traffic to all your platforms… NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!
Of course I KNOW! I know I need money for my career, I know I need a bigger fanbase, I know I need a manager and someone to help me with marketing. All of these things come down to money.
He tells me it’s “such a shame because I’m so talented”, or he will say, “you shouldn’t have to pay for all of this on your own!”
Hearing all of this negativity will not bring me closer to my dreams. I tell him to not talk obsessively about this and I prefer action. I wish he was an actual manager instead of a pretend manager. I know I need real help. But what can I do? It’s not like I can call Scooter Braun and force him to manage me! It’s not like I can call Epic Records and tell them to sign me as an artist. It’s not like I can force millions of followers to follow me on all of my platforms and buy my music.
I tried to be of service by being in Keith’s life again but he’s not good for my mental health. I sent him four new songs, so it would shut him up for a while. He loves listening to my music over and over.
Even though I’m trying to make peoples lives easier with my presence, I realize I’m not willing to do it at the expense of my mental health. Keith would love to dump all of his sex talk on me about his girlfriend or gripe endlessly to me about his job, but I prefer to keep my distance. People literally drain me and I prefer my own company. This is how I’m able to exist basically on my own when I’m in LA.
The only human interaction I have when I’m out there is when I’m around Shervin. I used to love being around Shervin until he professed his love for me. We were best friends until he became extremely angry at the term “friend”. Now he insists that I’m his future wife. As his “pretend” girlfriend, I listen to his problems and help him mentally and spiritually. I give him the only human touch he gets which is from hugging me, kissing me on my cheek, and holding my hand. I grin and bear it because it could be much worse. One day, a woman will want Shervin and steal him away….and I’ll let it happen. But for now, I’m enjoying the last years I have Shervin in my life. I know I’ll miss him one day terribly.
It’s about that time for me to start my day. Off to the laundromat, then hairdresser, then Walmart, then pick out outfits for my next music video, then pack those items as well as an outfit for my agent meeting, then ferociously clean my apartment so I don’t return to any roaches or rats.
Then tomorrow, I have church, nails, and get a facial. That night, I’ll sleep over at my parents house. I’ll go to the gym in the morning, then board the plane for LA.

Oh I almost forgot “day 3” or my “8 day journey”!! I have to list ten strengths and talents I possess. I’ll be thinking of this through out the day, and write them down. Stay tuned…

“Jesus, please forgive me of all my sins. I know I have been rebellious these past couple days. I get this way when I feel like everything I do doesn’t matter. I feel so grateful that I managed to sing beautifully yesterday. I learned to not have anyone in my sessions unless it’s for mixing and mastering one song at a time. I also learned that we must be a blessing to others but not at an expense to our mental health. Father, guide me today. Help me make wise choices. Let me be protected against all evil. Thank you for the health of me and my loved ones. I pray for my dad’s knee; please touch his knee & make the pain go away. Let me have peace throughout the day. Please give me the strength to accomplish all of my goals. Also, a special prayer to anyone reading this; may God bless you. Amen.”