Past Life in Pieces

Last night, I saw my complex on the news for another shooting. I know the kids involved too. It’s really nothing new. It happens all the time. I lived there for 7 years. I lived in 3 different apartments within the complex during that time. The first apartment I lived with a janitor who was filthy. Roaches crawled all over me at night and I always cried. I got my my car stolen there. It wasn’t at any tow place, so it had to be stolen.

I also got robbed in that first apartment. A man rushed me inside my apartment when I answered the door, and asked for my money. I told him I didn’t have much, and he only walked away with ten bucks. He didn’t take my wallet with cards though. I guess he got upset with his actions. He put a gun to my forehead and I’m not sure why I said this but I told him my eyes will forever haunt him until the day he dies. I also asked how his mom would feel if he killed me?… That truly pissed him off. He slammed me to the floor, causing a bruise on my arm. He yelled at me over and over and said, “you don’t know my mama!!”, then ran out my apartment.

After I was robbed, the complex moved me and the janitor, Gary, to second apartment. At the time I was still living with Gary because he was respectful of my space. I stayed in the bedroom and he stayed in the front room, and we split the rent. However, Gary never cleaned after himself and still managed to have even more roaches inside the apartment. By then I was self medicating a lot. I cried even more. I was just completely miserable. When Gary moved out, I started a new lease. This time I was able to live on my own because I worked the entire time I lived with Gary in order to save.

As I was moving into my own apartment, I witnessed a man being rushed into his apartment by three other men who all had guns(only a few doors down the hallway). The guy who was pushed into his apartment had a high pitch scream that I’ll never forget. I called the cops, and I actually ran with the cops to show them the unit. I remember there was an Hispanic cop running behind me; she was no taller than me. She looked tough, with her bullet proof vest and her hair all pulled back in a low bun. This all happened on the first night I moved into the apartment where I reside now.

Since I’ve been at my new apartment, I got robbed while I was out of town within the first year. I was so stupid. I saw some young guys as I was walking to my apartment. They said they were locked out of their apartment so they were opening the door with a crow bar. I gave them waters from a 24 pack I was carrying to my place. One of them asked to help me carry the pack of water, so I let him. He looked through the door of my apartment and asked how much I would sell my recording studio for. I told him it wasn’t for sale. I found an opportunity to talk to him about Jesus for a bit before he left. He went by the name Tmaine on his Snapchat.

The next day few days, he asked me to come to church with me. I left to California at that time to pursue my career per usual. I only gave him my Snapchat & that was his only way of contacting me. Almost twice a week, he’d ask to go to church with me, but I definitely didn’t tell him I was out of town. It felt suspicious but I didn’t realize he was breaking into another persons home when I met him.

When I came back to my apartment three weeks later, he took my entire studio, all my jewelry, and all of my memorabilia that I got from Apollo in Harlem, New York. He didn’t damage anything except my front door, and taking all my valuables. You can imagine the feeling of coming home and seeing your door already open(from probably the same crowbar). It was a terrible feeling. They never caught him but I already knew who did it. I never found out if he got his karma; I just leave everything in Gods hands.

You’re probably thinking I should move the heck out of that complex. But, I feel those things happened all while I was self medicating. I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, spoke to the wrong people, made unwise decisions. I never relied on God, and I rarely prayed. I never incorporated God with all my decisions. Instead I would cry and yell, “Help!”. I used to scream, “help”, almost everyday, but not anymore.

I slept over at my parents last night and again tonight. My dad leaves for  Catholic church for 7:30am. My mom goes to church not to far away also; it’s non denominational.

In the past, I always had issues with churches. It was like the Devil was trying his best to keep me out of any church. The first church had two men who ran the choir division who didn’t let me sing the song I wrote, but instead gave me another song to sing last minute. I thought I sang well, but they never invited me back because my dress was too short. Yet, the hem hit right at my knees and the sleeve went past my elbows and it had a high neckline. My mom still attends that church. She was hurt at what they did to me, but still attends service because enjoys going there.

The second church would let me sing there all the time. They would clap and hoot and holler! They loved to praise God with me as I sang. They were so loving and encouraging. I believe their audience grew the more and more I sang every Sunday. One day, the pastor invited me to a music convention to “help my career”. Instead, he tricked me and drove me to his high school reunion. I was in a place filled with men and women aged 58 years old and up. I started drinking a lot of red wine and the pastor paid for every drink. On the way home, I fell asleep in the passenger seat. I woke up to his whole hand squeezing my breasts in my bra. When he stopped the car at my complex, I jumped out of his car and ran upstairs. He followed me and knocked on the door a lot but instead I went in the  bathtub and cried.

The church I sometimes attend now, but did me wrong too. I joined the young adults choir. I was 32 at the time. There was a jealous girl who ran the choir, along with her husband and brother. She kicked me out the choir because she said she didn’t see me participate as much. I never missed a day. The real reason was because she was a jealous soul & I wasn’t like the other kids there who always gave her compliments about her hair or the way she dressed that day. So, I wrote a lengthy email to the church staff to let them know what happened. Not too long after. They made the age limit to 25 years old in order to be a part of the young adults choir. I didn’t join the adults choir because I was just upset by the actions of the pastor. I heard the pastor make a joke in front of 20,000 people saying, “there are many people who want to sing or speak on our stage. I rather them get their own stage!”

I took his words to the heart. I was like, ok I’m going to get my own stage then! I’m going to pack out my own stadiums. Given that all took place 6 years ago, I still believe I’ll get my own stages across the world one day.

I want to be like Tina Turner who had her rise to success at 40. And the whole world absolutely adored her. And she found true love. She is madly attracted to her husband, and you can tell he admires and loves her.

My life has been tough since 17 years old, but I’m incredibly strong. There are some really evil people in this world. I once paid $2000 for a lemon, meaning the car stopped working in less than 24 hours. They blocked my number after taking my money. Evil!

I’ve been raped multiple times too. My virginity was taken on camera, but that’s a whole other story. I also had someone steal my credit and identity while I was sleeping. So many endless bad situations, yet I still have faith in Jesus and in God.

I never try to be involved with the church  anymore, instead just attend for service. Sometimes I will sit in an empty church to just pray from time to time. As far as people I’m very cautious with who I associate with.

I have a calling, why else would God give me these gifts if not to use them?… My purpose is to make people feel inspired. My calling is to write songs for someone’s wedding, or make to make anyone being bullied to feel empowered, to make people want to kiss each other, to dance to my music, and to make them think about or learn something new from the films I choose to do. Right now I’m living off my savings until that time comes.

I want my passion to become the way I can afford to housing, food and transportation. But I do want so much more… I pray my time comes soon.

“Jesus, please help me with my addiction. So far it has been 32 days since I decided to change my life around. My dad prayed that my success will be instantaneous. He’s not in the entertainment business so he doesn’t quite understand how everything works. However, you are in the business of making miracles happen. Please guide me to people that won’t waste my time and will really help me. Please help me learn how to become the best actress/singer/songwriter I can be. Please let me never have to settle for less. Please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and let me have everlasting strength. Amen”