On the job

Ok I don’t really know where to start….other than I HATE EVERYTHING. My WIFI on my phone is REALLY SLOW TODAY. Nothing seems to be going right. My mom asks me what’s wrong so I tell her….then she goes on to tell me about the people who traveled in the desert for 40 years because they complained. I was like, “Dayum, God seems mean…that’s evil to just let people suffer cause they complained!” That comment REALLY pissed my mom off and she yelled at me to never complain to her again. My dad says to change my attitude….easier said than done. I don’t want to work. Why can’t I have money already? Why can’t I be rich already? Why? Why? WHY? I’m just out here working so hard and paying all of my bills. I quit using Shervy’s card because I’m afraid my spending is too much for him to handle. It’s really just an average of $20-60 a week I spend but that;s too much for him. I also quit smoking and today is “day one”. I don’t know why I put myself through these challenges but I truly wish to quit but not really….I don’t like what it does to my lips and body….but everything else I like about smoking. It was cute when Carrie smoke all the time in Sex & the City but then you really started to see the effects of what smoking can do over time. I don’t think the same goes for my type of smoking though. But enough about that. A part of me thinks I will never change. However, I read a book that said to just give myself grace for two weeks and the cravings will disappear. This morning I scratched my cheek, so now I have a mark/scar. I’m treating it with aloe vera gel and not wearing any makeup in order to expedite healing. I’m just a mess today!

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m beyond unhappy. I wish I could be more. I want a better life. I want to go to the spa, and be able to afford massages, facials, and body wraps. I can barely afford a pedicure and manicure… Why is life so unfair?

I try to mask my sadness and just smile. After my mom telling me not to complain to her and my dad telling me to change my attitude, I decided its best just to keep my thoughts to myself. I tried to tell Shervin my feelings and he just made it some sort of contest. “I hate my job too.” “I want to quit too” “ I wish things were different too”….were all the things he said back.

Last night I taped an audition it took all of my energy to record. I had to take six different pictures and record myself doing two different actions. I know its preferred to wear tight clothing and show skin but instead, I wore my comfy sweatpants and hoodie. I hope I still get a callback. Speaking of callback, I have another audition to tape tonight. I really want this role….

I always want every role I audition for but I never get it. I noticed the camera efforts made by competitors is on a whole other level. They use cameras that are so crisp and clear and their backdrop looks dramatic. I need to figure sum shit out. I called a camera store and they were like…you can look it up on YouTube. I was hoping to be offered more help but I guess I need to figure it out.

I should get back to studying my lines It’s 11:11 right now. I wish for a big life upgrade. I wish to hear from God. I wish for my faith to be restored. I wish to know what to do…in every aspect of my life. Should I fulfill my contract here and keep working? Will it benefit me to stay here? Could I find something better? Do I have it good where I’m at and don;’t even know it? Did God place me here? Soooo many questions I have….yet, I’m not supposed to complain or question God.

Dear Father, I’m praying for a miracle. The kind of miracle where there is no denying, ITS YOU! My mom said to not complain but I wish to bring all of my cares to the altar like you instructed us to do in the Bible. Help me figure out the necessary steps to make an audition tape that will stand out from the rest. I have an idea what to do about lighting….I think the backdrop could help…but it’s mostly the camera I need assistance with most. I also need help with my mind and with memorizing. Like today, I have an audition for a woman who has this cool demeanor. I believe she makes jokes and can be sarcastic but she’s often quite serious. I also believe NO ONE messes with her. I believe that she is passionate about her craft, and I believe she possesses a quality where she doesn’t have to say much to get people to listen. Please help me book this role. In Jesus name. Amen