Day 3

I don’t know exactly where to start. Last time I spoke to you guys was in December.

I was trying to quit smoking weed then but couldn’t. I ended up writing an entry while high, and then my membership access got taken away. I must have said something foul and for that, I apologize. I wasn’t in my right mind.

However, I can tell you one thing…don’t mess with Taylor Swift on this app. The owner of this site must be a real ride or die for Taylor Swift bc soon as I said something negative-my account was wiped away! What worse! I STILL kept getting charged month after month…even after three emails requesting them to stop charging me. That’s crazy…you can take my membership away and still take my money.

I got back on because I quit smoking weed again. It’s only day three and I woke up sad. I thought to myself, “what the fuck is this feeling?”

The sweats came back too. When I quit smoking weed, I begin to sweat profusely in my sleep. Then even worse, my skin breaks out from quitting weed. I looked in the mirror and saw two baby pimples and immediately treated them early so I won’t have a scar. Luckily, I caught them right on time.

So where do I begin….

I’m still working at the intermediate school. So much has happened since we last spoke. I was working with Miss Harrold and Rost, but I was transferred to another department.

This man or less of a man…more like a piece of shit shell of a lesser man, was so evil towards me. He even turned half of the kids away from me. It’s crazy. All the other kids look to the ground when they see me and don’t speak.

Rost definitely got his karma though! A black man replaced my position and he’s doing a great job! The kids actually love him! I think they actually like him more than Rost! And Rost seems to be afraid of him!! And Miss Harold, well, she’s the same. She sent me a scripture last night: Isaiah 40:31 

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I never had any ill will against Miss Harold. She stayed neutral and for that, I don’t blame her. She saw how I went through it with Rost, but she said nothing & never intervened. I’m okay now…..I made it out of a terrible situation and I feel much better.

Now my job is basically walking around the school the whole day carrying a walkie talkie and tablet. I have to do 7-8 data entries for only 6 kids every day, and I monitor lunch during cafeteria hour. I get two breaks that are each 30 min each, where I can sit down and eat. The job is perfect for auditions because I can walk around the school all day, going over my lines. I intend on keeping the job until ….forever I think. Until my BIG break comes…

I often wonder why I had to go through all that bullshit. It taught me to not trust people with secrets. I told the principal on Rost and he found out. Once he had a hunch, he went crazy on me! But that only dug him further into a ditch…but enough about that scrub! Moving on!

Erica is out my life completely. I “ghosted” her. I stopped talking to her cold turkey because I know she doesn’t care about me anymore. She only wanted to be attached in case I make it. She seemed very down and out and depressed. I tried to get her to talk to me but her language towards me sounded more like an enemy. She laughed when I said Jay Roewe had not helped me. Once I heard her snicker at my pain, I confronted her about it then stopped talking to her, cold turkey. I miss her only a little. I only feel bad a smidge that I stopped taking to her. I just think about her a lot because she was someone I was quite close to and loved(only as a friend).

The thing I’m most upset about in this moment is Spotify. They took two of my songs down for artificial streaming. I’m so upset about this. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s just Spotify but DAYUM!!!!! I don’t feel like doing all this technical shit. I think I should move on to United. I’m not sure what to do. God, please guide me.

I found a new potential manager. He wants $125 a week!!! I don’t want to pay anybody anything. I think I need help with my career & I have today to think about everything I guess. No studio scheduled today so I plan to workout, get groceries, and pay a $60 bill waiting for me at the cleaners.

I’m so upset. About everything. It’s just seems like everything is too much to deal with because I quit smoking weed. The anxiety just comes flooding all back. I literally woke up sad. I saw an interview where Angelina Jolie said to just “go through it and feel everything”. I don’t think I was meant to feel this but I’ll go through it as instructed.

Shervy is still in my life. He loves me so much. I’m so lucky to have one person in my life that loves me like that. At first, I was upset that he pursued me. I wanted him to just be my friend. But he refused. He got angry at the word, “friend”, and said, “no, you will be my girlfriend”. I agreed because I knew if I didn’t, it would break his heart. I have no desire to be with anyone so I felt like it was ok to “play along”. I think a part of me likes to say I have a boyfriend. A part of me likes knowing that someone is madly in love with me. A part of me wishes I could find the same soul in a different shell. Shervy is cute but just not my type. I don’t have a type to be honest. But I’ve been though so much that I don’t desire intimacy whatsoever.

The very thought of me having sex makes me feel gross. I can easily portray sex on camera such as a love scene. I would be great at acting like I’m having passionate on screen but, I do not like the idea of a minor being able to pull up my sex scene on the internet and seeing my bare body. Im only comfortable showing a side silhouette or a back shot…but no nipple or butt crack showing. This are my limitations…

I had an audition for Mayfair Witches last week and for a president role the week before. I did not get a callback for either one. I don’t know why. I think it may be my camera. I’m going to go to the camera store too. I need to figure out how to record my auditions, put it on my computer, edit and send. Ahhhhh, too much to do in one day. If I had weed, the day would seem much easier. But nope, I’m going to try to not smoke anymore.

Dear Father, I’m on this journey to get closer to You. I desire to know what it takes to have You work in my life. If you do exist, then thank you for my parents and all that I have. However, I do often wonder why I’m not ahead in life. I wish I could spend my days on a film set or in rehearsal for an upcoming tour. But I don’t even get callbacks and I’m still manually putting my songs onto Distrokid! I need help Father! Why it feel like I’m left with crumbs and I can’t even sit at the table. That was a bad analogy God, but I’m just trying to get You to see that I am only self medicating because I’m hurting. I need restoration.. 

I stopped stealing. Doesn’t mean I still don’t have the urge. Especially with sheet masks or makeup. I don’t slip an extra avocado in my bag or nothing. I stopped because I really want to show You that I’m trying to do right even when no one’s looking.

I just need your help Lord!!! Thank you for alll that You done and doing in my life. Amen