David & Goliath

I was a wreck on the day of my audition. It took me nearly four hours to get ready because I kept needing to hop in a warm tub bc my feet were as cold as ice. Martin (the acting coach) was very sweet and patient. Our initial meeting at 11:30am turned to 1pm then to 1:45pm then to 2:30pm then to 3pm. When we finally read with each other, I did well.
I treated myself to a meal from Bellagreen afterwards and purchased a turkey burger with sweet potato fries. By the time I got home, it was not warm but I still devoured it nonetheless.
On Sunday morning, I watched a sermon on television. It spoke about believing in yourself. It retold the story about David & Goliath. David had so much faith in himself that he not only denied the standard armor needed to protect himself, but he even told his enemy that he would feed Goliath to the birds once defeated. The pastor quoted scriptures from the Bible that supported his ministry about how God wants us to flourish.
I kept thinking, how can I incorporate this type of confidence within myself? I’m in a business where there is constant rejection. I recently auditioned for Reservation Dogs on Hulu, and I still continuously think about my audition. I replay it in my mind and wonder what I could have done differently in order to get a callback? It’s especially hard when you strive to be the best actress in your category but not getting any bookings. Confidence will be something I’m forever working on. I will just pray for that discovery within myself. Or at least fake it until I have it.
I spent Sunday evening with my family. My brother, nephew, mom and dad were all together & it felt real good to be surrounded by love. I did my act of service by vacuuming the carpet in the parent’s house, but it was nothing compared to what my parents do in return. My mom made red beans and rice and my dad bought fried chicken. My brother , nephew and I each took so much food home; I felt so blessed.
Now it’s Monday, and I’m sitting in the mental health facility. I am here to get a refill of a prescription to sleep called Trezadone. I rarely take it but since I’m returning to LA soon, it would be good to have a fresh supply.
I have a lot to do today. I have another music video to shoot tomorrow. I barely have the money to pay for it, but I’m going to have faith that God will support my dreams. I plan on finding a job in April so I can work by May. Until then, I’m going to continue to go after my career.
My music video tomorrow is very low budget. It basically consists on a camera following me around for the day. I already shot the first half, but the second half will consist of me driving around and having a sexy backseat scene. I plan to do the story board today in between all my errands.
In order to look my best, I’m working out, getting eyelash extensions, and getting my hair blown out. Then, I have to make sure I go to sleep early so I can look rested in the morning.
Once this music video is over, I still have studio this week to record some new songs I wrote and finish up other songs that are not yet completed. I try not to think about everything I have to do in order to not get overwhelmed. I know I’m packing on a lot of activities, but we only live once. I want to give my all to my career and not have any regrets.
My only regret is that I succumbed to my smoking addiction for so long. I feel like I lost so much time. But at the same time, I definitely experienced life in such an interesting way. I wouldn’t have been in so many incredible situations and met so many incredible souls. I’ve been in the trenches with so many people and situations with my addiction. I learned a lot from my experiences. I do feel wise and that alone should give me confidence.
Not many actors have been through what I’ve been through. Maybe I should remember that the next time I audition! I already believe in my music because my lyrics come from my soul. I come up with my own concepts and ideas and I take pride in that.
My psychiatrist meeting is over. I hate that bitch. She makes all of her patients wait a minimum of two to three hours for a scheduled appointment. I hate when my time is wasted. I believe in respecting peoples times. She could care less.

“Jesus, please forgive me for all my sins. I pray that I can find confidence within myself. Help me remember all the times you have saved my life and pulled me through my most difficult times. Help me walk through this life with purpose and have a personality that shines through with love & light. Grant me favor in the face of adversity. Take away all my insecurities and grant me wisdom in knowing that you are always in control. Let me feel your presence and help me be conscientious in seeking You in everything I do. Surround me with your love & protect me from all evils. Forever deliver me from my addiction. Let me live a life of joy and peace. Please give me an everlasting strength. Amen.”