5am to 7am

I slept 4.5 hours so far. I woke up from one of my many vivid dreams. I remember most of them. In yesterday’s dream, DaBaby was cheating on me and I, for some reason, was going in a building with a Redbox movie to watch with a group of people. Long story short, he made a copy of my car keys previously (without me knowing) and acted like he had to go to the car to retrieve something and actually took it on a “joy ride” to cheat on me with another female. I found out through some guys while I was in the building and when I came out to see my car, Dababy had scuffed the side of my red, BMW car. I don’t even like red cars, Dababy, or Redbox movies anymore. Later in my dream, Dababy pulled out his penis and it had white feta cheese looking stuff on it and I woke up from the nightmare.
In my last dream, I had a “Naomi Campbell”moment. I threw a hanger (instead of a cell phone) at someone who was supposed to be helping me get ready for a flight. I was trying to get my clothes together and she was the only person who knew how to screw/unscrew these weird type of hangers. I pulled out a shirt that had my old name plastered on it and she was so distracted that she wanted to do nothing else but make a big scene about my former name on my shirt. So, I threw a hanger at her.
She must have told her mom, because I was explaining everything to her mom who seemed to be understanding about the entire situation. Next thing I know I’m competing in a hair show of some sort. The show was about who can do their hair the quickest with the most tangles. I have a lot of tangles in my hair when it’s wet, so I pull out a bottle of detangler. Then, I wake up from the dream with my hair tousled in real life because I didn’t wear my bonnet before going to sleep.
Upon waking up, I thought about this Airbnb I’m currently staying in. I only choose new Airbnbs because I want to be the first to stay in them. This is the best Airbnb ever! Given it was 1k over my budget. I am only staying here because the first Airbnb was replaced by the company. Long story short, the first Airbnb was like prison (it looked nothing like the pictures), but this one is like a luxury studio apartment.
I feel so blessed to be staying here while I’m pursuing my career, but I’m having a hard time focusing. It’s been 26 days since I quit smoking marijuana. I was a big weed head. I should say I am a big weed head since I don’t fully want to quit. I don’t know on how to limit my intake so I’m forced to quit altogether.
In 2015, I legally changed my first middle and last name. In 2004, I did porn. I must have did kinda well because I gained a lot of unwanted notoriety in a short period of time. By 2006, everyone and their mama found out about my porn….including my own mother.
She promptly quit her job out of sheer embarrassment and my dad took over doing real estate. It wasn’t until 2023, my dad started doing really well. His biggest sale was for an 8 million dollar home on which he was going to get commission for. I remember my dad being so excited and he was going to give me 7k to put towards my dreams. Two days before the sale is scheduled to go through, the deal ends. My dads resources were used and the seller went to another real estate company. I was more upset at what was done to my dad than losing the 7k.
I never had help like that from my family towards my career. My dad sometimes sneak me money and Shervin also helps too. I use the money for recording and making music videos. I try my hardest to succeed but I’m 38, with still no real progress. Given, I do have a Tina Turner film in the works but I don’t think anything will happen from it.
The reason I don’t think anything will happen from it because the director needs more people on his team. He loves music like I do, but he sounds god awful to me. I lie and give a thumbs up to all his YouTube videos. When I saw the movie he directed me in, I cringed because I thought the storyline made no sense and the music overpowered the entire film. Of course, I kept all of this to myself and told him the movie was a “future cult classic”! The director casted me in his next film which is a satire about a group of celebrities, and I will play Tina Turner at 40.
I recently auditioned for Reservation Dogs. I think about that audition often. I would like that role because it would be a good start to my acting career. I say “start” because I decided to have no association to my birth name on my IMDb credits.
I’m not trying to hide from my past. I posted my biography all over the internet so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out and put two and two together. In the biography, I stated all the work I’ve done professionally in the past. For example, I played the best friend to a child actress in a Lifetime film. I actually did some pretty cool work before deciding to start fresh with my new name. I did porn only a year or so before my first acting role, but when my past was found out, I was immediately “black listed”.
I haven’t booked a major role yet. So I come to LA all the time in hopes my agent will get me a big opportunity. I did an acting showcase, and one agency gave me a callback. The one agent who had the lowest IMDb score. The one I wanted the least. This was the only agent that gave me a callback.
I sound like a whiny bitch. I’m bitching about this and that. I can’t help it; I’m so aggravated with my life. I love that I’m healthy and staying in a nice Airbnb, going after my dreams. But, I’m still a 38 year old with no major success. I buy views for my music videos because I want to avoid only having only 45 views. I only buy 2k-3k views because that looks better and somewhat believable.
I once met a girl from church and I gave her my Spotify information. The first question she asked me was if my numbers were real. Maybe they don’t look as believable as I would like for it to look.
Remember when I said I called the suicide hotline in my last journal entry and they suggested I “redirect my path”? Well, even though I have low views and no bookings or any upcoming film or television shows that you may have heard of, I still believe my dreams will come true.
I guess I’m a fool. Or worst of all, a wannabe. I hate talking bad about myself but facts are facts. I’m chasing a dream that hasn’t come to fruition yet.
That’s why I gave up smoking and listening to tarot readers on YouTube. I’m already not having sex or breaking other commandments. I go to church and pray. I can’t say I read the Bible at all because I hate reading. I rather write instead…
Anyways, I thought I’d feel better by waking up in the middle of the night to write in my journal. Instead, the reality of my life hurts me so badly. I feel bad that I don’t have what I want yet.
In the Bible somewhere it says to have faith and when you reach success, it will be “like a dream”. I want to feel that happy…where it feels like I’m dreaming.
I used to watch a lot of Disney movies growing up, and I always wanted to be in one. You can imagine how I felt when Beyoncé discovered these sisters named Chloe and Halle, and one of them became the lead in “The Little Mermaid”. I was happy for her. I was sad for myself.
I’m not a jealous person, but I’m feeling lethargic. After so many years of being under a smoking haze while going after my dreams, I don’t have the newfound energy I expected. Instead, the fog has lifted and I am settling in this heavy realization of what my life is like now.
Overall, I feel very blessed. I look I’m the mirror and I like what I see. I may be petite but I am small enough to be invisible when I want to and visible when I want to shine. My feet are a size 3.5. My ring finger is a size 4. I like my size now because I’m not skinny in any way. I don’t have wide hips, and I have a cute butt and the perfect sized boobs. The last photographer I worked with said I was “heavy chested”. It hurt my feelings that she used the word “heavy”. It’s like a negative connotation to me. She had mosquito bites as breasts, so anything bigger to her, might have seemed heavy.
I’m trying to not let other people affect me when they have negative things to say about me. One bully in my past called me a midget. He said it in front of a large crowd. He was fat as hell, yet, he wanted to make me feel bad in front of all his friends. I know I’m not a midget because I’m taller than most people in my apartment complex which is predominantly Mexican. I just don’t like that fact that I was called a midget. Same thing as being called short. Yes, it’s not as bad sounding, but I don’t like that word. In my head, I just tell myself that if anyone calls me short then I know not to be their friend because they are projecting their negativity onto me.
One of my acquaintances is a plus sized girl. I like her a lot, but she has the biggest hang up about her size. I hate myself because one time I asked her to do YouTube video with me and release it on Fat Tuesday, which is a Mardi Gras holiday. Because I got super high on the phone with her, I said the most stupid thing to her on earth. I said, “I know you probably feel insecure about releasing our video on Fat Tuesday because you think you are fat”. She was like, “no, I wasn’t thinking that at all.” Like WTF!!!! Why would I even say that to her?!! It was so insensitive, but I was truly high. One of the finite moments in my life that made me want to quit.
She is only 25, and she tells me all the time how she wants to sing like me. I tell her what to do but she says that she’s a slave to her job. I agree with her. I had to sacrifice and share a one bedroom apartment with a janitor. Ironically, he was so filthy. It was a roach infested apartment. I would wake up to roaches crawling over my face and in my ears and mouth. I was always self medicating with weed and crying. But it was what I had to do in order to afford flying back and forth to LA to pursue my dreams.
Now I live alone in the same complex but different apartment. I have roaches and rats there too but very few. Like 1-2 mice every 4 months and 6 roaches every month. It’s still very bad. But I live in the hood in order to afford an Airbnb when I come to LA.
I have no social life whatsoever. I just go after my dreams by taping my auditions if my agent has anything, writing songs, and creating music videos. I’m working on promotion later today and figuring out how to get in touch with the one LA agent that was interested in me from my recent acting showcase that I attended. I never give up.
In fact, the next song I’m writing is a house party song called, In Your Face. It’s about never giving up and letting your success being the best revenge.
My last manager was a truck driver. He didn’t know anything about the business but he tried to help me with my career. He would set up my stage for me before shows or be at my rehearsals to keep everyone focused. He had a passion for young girls when his wife divorced him after cheating on him. Weird thing is, he and his wife still live together. He sleeps in the theater room while his wife has the bedroom. He lives with her entire family and helps around the house by maintaining the yard, etc. He deserted me when he met a girl off the internet. He all of a sudden said he couldn’t help me with my career anymore. Not that he ever really did help, but it still hurt when he left me. He even told me that my music was not “current”. Another projection of one’s negativity onto me. If I’m not current, then why do I currently have freshman at a college like one of my songs so much that they are shooting and editing it for free?!?
I don’t trust anyone but I’m hoping these kids will not do me wrong. So far, I spent a lot of money on this music video. I’m paying for the location, wardrope, dancers, food, makeup artist, travel expenses, etc.
I hope they do an amazing job. Well, over an 1.5 hours have passed. I have a cinnamon dolce latte waiting for me in the fridge. I usually only like 3 pumps of syrup instead of 5, but I ordered it through Uber eats and I don’t know how to message the coffee shop about this alteration on my latte. It’s ok though. I’m just sipping it little by little. I bought three venti cinnamon dolce lattes. It cost $20. Shervin paid for it. I’ll pay him back when I’m famous. I promise…