Third Life

Ive been on Open Diary since I was 13 years old. My first diary was open to everyone who asked or to whomever found it online. I would give out links until I turned 16. When it was mid Junior year when my open diary caused problems between three friends of mine and I. We were a close knit group. And like any other teenager I was having so many problems that I just could not enjoy myself. At a few moments I threatened suicide and I guess since I was upset someone sent a link to my friends. With one line that said “Sometimes I just don’t believe Laura and Vicky are my friends”. That sent them into hating me. Because I couldn’t explain myself everyone went their seperate ways. As I look back ten years ago…It was probably a good thing. I learned a lesson. My life slowly progressed. I matured. And now I am here.

I live in anonymity online. Sure…there were a few years of owning a myspace once it became popular and after I deleted it…I have not owned a pictured profile online since…no facebook no anything. Infact, my avatar on open diary is the only picture I own online that belongs to my body online.

I hang out online nowadays playing games. I belong to the world Second Life. I’ve been playing since march 2007. Owned two Avatars. I never had any other interest in playing the game other than building and occasionally talking to “friends” The last two years I ended up befriending 3 ladies between 22 and 28.

As most people know second life is a virtual world where anything can happen. A lot of people go in and role play or for sex. I went into the world as and still a builder. I’ve never once had a relationship that was sexually involved in second life.

The friendship felt like it was high school all over again. The talk of clothes the hair, the shoes, the backstabbing… I sought out 3 friends because I felt like I had unfinished business with the friendship I had ten years ago. I wanted to be in control of how the friendship went this time. I had so much control how everyone interacted with me. This power struggle that I wanted so much got out of control because I actually ended up liking these girls as my real life friends.

In my life. I don’t have girlfriends. I have my husband. Who no doubt is my best friend. My great love..and my one and a half year old son and my 6 month old daughter. I love them to death. Just I had this yearning to have other friends. That now I decided to stop.

I had a call tag, a fake picture, a fake anonymous life that I stopped. I ended the friendships on my term and I feel gutless. I miss being myself. I miss having real friends. I miss having a life. I miss doing anything that is on the outside.

The only problem I don’t know how to have a friendship. When I was younger I was of course chubby had this awkwardness about me that made anyone around me hate me and everyone around me even my sisters made relentless fun of me. The only true friend I ever have had is my husband. And even I saw him as a sketchy person.

I am a fucking chicken.

When i think about it. When I wrote in my last diary “Sometimes I don’t believe laura and vicky are my friends” I guess I was in denial that I was capable of befriending someone. Since at the beginning I was so unwanted. I still get so much rejection feelings when my son wants his daddy than me. I get so offended and upset and it frustrates me because I go back to my inner child and get nervous about myself.

I just want to regular friends. Without the judgement. How do I do that?