like baking chocolate.

bittersweet, i mean. things are kind of fucked right now, and i wish i could say that it wasn’t my fault, at least a little. but i really can’t. i spent tuesday night and all of wednesday, until the sun started to set, in a bed belonging to a girl that isn’t mine anymore. former gee eff, i call her, but that’s just for distance. we spent hours watching each other. and it was amazing. but the thing is, kids, the thing that fucks everything else, no matter how amazing it was, is that we’ve both got other girls now. good ones. stable and steady ones. with jobs and career plans and they love us. they do. we talked about them by name, no holds barred, for once not really holding anything back, but both explanations, everything we said ended with “i love you.” we said it so many times it started to become obscene. we really should have stopped. maybe it was the alcohol that brought us into her bed in the first place, but it’s not what kept us there for so long. i can’t justify it, and i hate myself a little. while we were lying there, her girlfriend called three times, from massachusetts. mine called twice, from work across town. i should feel worse about this. my stomach is twisted and i can’t eat because it comes right back up, but i can’t tell if that’s from guilt or something more ambiguos, the knowledge that we’re apart for fear of breaking other people, because they need us but they don’t need this. they don’t need to know. i’m a terrible liar.