Father’s day heartbreak and beauty

As i’m sure you all know Sunday is Father’s Day.  

This day holds a lot of heartbreak in this house.  For my baby girls lost their dad in January of 2012.  At 40 years old, he died suddenly of a heart attack, leaving 4 children behind.  My 2 little ones, who were 7 & 8 years old at the time, and his 2 older girls, who are twins and were 17.

The time from when I got the phone call until we left his casket at the cemetery a week or so later, were easily the hardest, most heartbreaking, horrid days of my life.

Thank goodness for the resiliency of children.  Because they are ok.  Better than me really.  

As an adult, and a mother, my heart breaks for them.  I think of everything he’s missing. I look at my girls and see how they’ve changed since that heartbreaking day in the cold of January and am sad that he will never see them this way.  Never see them as older tweens, never see them as teenagers, never see them get graduate, get married.  

I see all that was lost on that day, even if their beautiful little minds don’t think that way.  And that is a blessing for them that I am grateful for.

But even in death there is beauty, hope, and strength.  After all, we all die.  Our time is limited, although most of us live every day as if our days are infinite.  

I am well aware now of the the limitedness of life.  I appreciate every little moment, even the crazy stressful ones listed in my last entry.  Because i get the gift of having those moments.  I am blessed. 

My girls are incredibly blessed by the amazing man I call my husband.  He fills the role of father in any way that he can and for that I am intensely grateful.

They have not had to sit in a classroom and make father’s day gifts for whom there was no longer a recipient.  He was there.  He has saved them countless days of hurt and longing as best that he is able, and for that i am eternally thankful.

However, the hurt, heartache, and longing for their daddy is still there, buried deep although it surfaces from time to time.  He isn’t replaced, and he definitely isn’t forgotten.

As evidenced my by 8 year old’s question the yesterday, as we were driving home from school.  "Are we going to put flowers on Daddy’s grave for Father’s day?" 

"Of course, little girl" i reply.  Both heartbroken and amazed at her resilience, adjustment, and spirit all at the same time.

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For those of you who know us IRL, yes Dave’s grave is 2 hours away, so Paige’s request (and of course Maya wants to go too) will be honored when they go to their grandparent’s in olean with their older sisters on Wednesday.  Their sisters live in ky but will be here visiting for the week.  So all 4 of Dave’s daughters will have the opportunity to go together.