actions speak louder than the words you.re not saying
When she said she wanted a divorce in Dec. 2018 (after I asked her, mind you–she couldn’t bring it up on her own), she said she needed to figure herself out. We both realized that our ideas of marriage were different. She grew up with a mom who had been divorced 3x. I grew up where my parents are still married to this day. To her, when things get hard, you divorce. To me, when things get hard, you work through it. She said that she didn’t know what she wanted, but she didn’t want to be married anymore. We realized that if we ever made it work, it would be as a divorced couple. Odd, I know. But people have odd situations all the time. I moved out in Jan 2019 of the house we bought to give her space to figure things out. Her mom got sick and she got depressed. So depressed that she felt like she couldn’t make the decision of divorce in the state of mind she was in. Until this past May 2019. She expressed to me that she was ready to start the divorce papers, but that it didn’t mean we would or would not get back together in the future. I had hope and was willing to stay committed.
I started noticing that I would text her and she would respond and engage. I would ask her to dinner, and she would agree. I would ask questions, and she would answer. But never did she text me. Never did she ask me to do anything. Never did she ask me questions.
Last week, I texted her: “So why don’t you text me anymore”
Her response, 15 hours later?: “Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. It’s not intentional. I just still don’t know about space and all that. And trying not to go to you all the time with stuff anymore”
I call bullshit. It is intentional. I decided at that moment that I am done. I haven’t texted her or reached out since. And of course, neither has she reached out.
I am heartbroken, yes. I am lonely. I am distressed. I am in so much pain that I didn’t even know someone could feel this much pain and survive.
I didn’t want to ‘give up’. And here I am, I’m done. I don’t feel guilty–she gave up a long time ago. I feel angry. And hurt. And devastated. And heartbroken.
But life goes on, right?
this is coming from my own personal experiences I think when something bad happens to all of us it’s a lesson of life that we need to learn and once we learn from it then we can go on to something else. It’s like that book “Life is a game and these are the rules” Once you have learned the rules then you go on to the next thing.
But I do know how you feel because I felt the someway when my ex left and didn’t fight for his son and didn’t want to work on our relationship or stop drinking. But I did have all those feelings you have now and I am now a much better person and can read people better plus I am up front and honest about what I want or don’t want.
@jaythesmartone Thanks for always commenting. It really means a lot! I am hoping that *when* I get through this, I will be a much better person too. In the meantime it’s just really hard.
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