Enero!

Since the last entry…. jack shit has happened in my life! I’m a boring girl sometimes, like now. I did NOT go out on New Year’s. Instead, my siblings and I sat on the couches in our sickbeds and watched the ball drop, took our respective meds, and fell asleep. I hope it’s one of the NYE’s I remember most fondly of all of them in my life.

My birthday was the 6th. No one really cared. My family went to dinner and they didn’t have the wine I wanted, the stepmom was pretty silent, it was boring. My friends are shit. I did buy a cute top with my sister though. There’s this really old Switchfoot song (Let that be enough) and one of the verses says ‘it’s my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know, I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago." It’s been one of my favorite songs since I was 15 or so? This is the year that I WAS 22, on a Tuesday, mind you, and it really did seem like no one here knew. I’m still sad about it, really. I actually never got a present, because I want a dog, and dad says I can’t have it until my stepmom agrees AND I have the basement spotless. She’ll never agree, and I can’t keep everyone else’s stuff organized. But I don’t wanna ask for something else, because all I really want is a puppy of my own to love on again. The hypothetical strand of pearls I’ve been asking for for years just doesn’t out-do a lil bundle of hugs.Presents aren’t that important though.

I’m mostly upset about my friends. My friend Mac has always been the kind of girl to wrap her life around a man’s. Since highschool, she’s done it three times. We can’t even be friends, technically, when she’s with one, because I get SO frustrated the way she flakes because her man said jump. She was dating one who lived out of state and was messing around on her ALL the time. Whether or not he was cheating isn’t important. The fact that he’d just call her from all these different numbers and just play games is what is. She wouldn’t see him for months, but if he happened to be in town, she’d be off with him and drop off the planet until he went back to Iowa. She met this new, perfect guy and was pushing him away because of the first one, so finally one night when she was really drunk I just told her that she was wasting her life, waiting for boy 1 to break it off, and letting this one slip out of her fingers. Apparently my conversation worked, because I haven’t seen her since, she’s been so far up his ass. Including New Year’s, when she wanted me to go sit in his appt with his roommates gf, roommate, her, him, and me. Um, kthnx no! She even told me that he wanted to know if ‘I’d be ok just doing something for like half an hour so they could be together, then we’d hang." That’s so distasteful I don’t know what else to say! The worst was my actual birthday though, when she was pretty rude about me wanting to go to just a local bar because she wanted to go to bed early, so I sped through everything, got home, and she never answered my calls. The next day she imed me saying she knew she messed up, and would I be ok with her making it up to me weekend after next when she got paid? So I agree, and then the hag never answer my ims, phone calls or text all week, after those plans were all made! And I try to have a conversation with her about it and she says "I can be mad, and do all that, but it won’t do any good. I had a really bad week last week and you wouldn’t even know about it because you never even talked to me" and tried to guilt trip me. So I finally, after years, said hey, the problem here is that I will always be second to some man’s schedule in your life. My birthday, of all days of the year, should be different. And she said it was uncalled for and not true. But then posted pictures of her with him and her cousin going out somewhere the night we were supposed to be celebrating. It breaks my fucking heart, but I have nothing to say about it anymore. I have to let her go. She’s one of my dearest friends, but someone who can flake on you SO easily doesn’t really care at the heart of it, right? I had a fallout with my sister last Friday and I called Mac in shambles, ands he said ‘hey, i’m at his house right now, I work tomorrow, but let’s definitely get together Sunday, I’m sorry about everything’ and then last night, after iming her all day, finally said she was waiting on nuggets tickets, but if it didn’t work out we could go out to the bar I wanted to go to on my bday? And then finally, an hour and a half later, says hey, I’m goin to the game, let’s get together this week? I haven’t seen the bitch since New Years Eve!!! Talk about a legacy. I’ve baked her a cake every year for her birthday as this huge tradition, and she can’t even break away one night to see me. I’m crushed. I wouldn’t even care if she brought him with her! It’s just not fair.

My other close friend that fucked over my birthday is Gaby. She and I have been friends since the 8th grade. We’re very close. On her birthday this year, she had a party up in Boulder one night, and another here in Denver the next. Even though I was sick and lost my voice for the first time in my entire life that week, I went out both nights and did everything a best friend should. I sat and chatted with her parents at her birthday dinner, posed for pictures, tried to get people excited, helped her make the tough decision of ditching her underage boyfriend and partying or not, whatever. So she tells me about a month and a half before my birthday that she’s going to Mexico again, from whatever day to whatever day. And I’m stunned when I realize my bdays right in the middle, the day which we’ve been talking about ever since her actual bday. She doesn’t even say anything. A few weeks before she leaves, I finally voice how I’m disappointed, she says "well we can celebrate the whole weekend after." You can guess what happened. She got back that Friday, never answered my phone calls, talks to me around 7, at which point we were planning on going out, says her mom’s on the other line and she’ll call me back, and never does. I text her and say hey, I’ll be ready in an hour or so, let’s leave around 9 or so? And she says ‘I don’t know about going big tonight" and I said "I knew this would happen" And she has the audacity to say "yes, you knew I’d be traveling today….. 20 seconds later….but you’re welcome to come over here if you want."  Silly me. It’s obviously my IDEAL way to celebrate my birthday, in her fucking mom’s basement is right where I want to be! I mean, I get the whole ‘i traveled, i’m tired thing’ but if you knew you were going to be traveling, don’t get me excited if you weren’t planning on going. and then to disqualify it so  much more by saying ‘but you can sit in my mom’s basement while i sit on my laptop and im someone else and ignore you, or watch some movie i want to watch FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY’ just blows my mind. How do you even respond to that?! All I said was no thanks, and she didn’t even contact me the next day, the day we were supposed to have the big celebration. She sent me a few texts over the next week with random tidbits, but I never responded because I’m still speechless. Really?!! We’re just gonna forget my birthday ever happened and we’re just going to talk shit about your close childhood friend’s love life over text, and just ignore the situation at hand?

I feel stuck. These two girls are really my two closest friends

. My friend sara and I are close but she has a daughter now and lives in New Orleans, and that’s just hard. It’s them and my siblings I really count on. So what do I do times like right now? I’m kind of stuck. I need new friends. But really, I’d just love if my old ones could appreciate me once in a while. I mean, I think the birthday’s the only day you really get to be selfish. And I wasn’t even asking anything other then to have them hang out with me! Or acknowledge my feelings about the matter in any capacity really. I don’t know what to say, other then that I’m lonely and internalizing everything, and feeling shitty. I haven’t even had an occasion to wear my new top out to!

The resolutions are going well. I found a lipgloss that’s a perfect shade, so we’re getting somewhere! Also, the family I work for has been doing Dr. Oz’s (Oprah’s doc) RealAge diet, with great results, so I’ve been getting started. There’s like a strict two-week guideline, then you just sort of branch from there. It’s mostly focused on getting your body detoxed from everything processed, and to stop you really craving all the bad crap. Then just re-learning portions and stuff like that. It’s actually not this huge diet, which I like. It’s just a meal planner and a huge assortment of recipes to chose from. My boss used to eat a thing of Marie’s blue cheese dressing literally every other week, and she likes this Dr. Oz dressing better, it’s really just oil, vinegar, and garlic with a few other things. She had me try it on Thursday and I’m totally hooked. There’s also this asian noodle dish that tastes like sesame chicken sauce on noodles and veggies, but minus the thick sauce. It’s super good! This stuff is delicious! It’s http://www.realage.com if you’re interested, and it’s super delicious, and most importantly free! Since I’m buying most of the stuff for it, I’ve been sticking to the cheaper recipes (they don’t actually SAY this one’s cheaper, but you can get chicken breast a whole lot cheaper then salmon, for example). My not-overweight little brother’s even started trying it with me.

I took 2 trashbags of clothes out of my closet yesterday. I prolly won’t be able to afford to replace the dead space they were taking up anytime soon with super trendy new stuff, but it did feel really nice. Now everything fits (me, AND in my closet). Except my socks, but that’s ok.

Since I got my laptop I think a few days after Christmas? I’ve downloaded/bought 10 GB of music! Oh, to not be able to update your ipod for 6 months. I actually had to delete some stuff because I also keep my picture file backed up on my ipod, and I don’t wanna endanger those files should my computer ever bite it like before.

Sidenote: It’s been years since I actually used OD (prolly 8 since I started looking at it, omg! old bitch) so I’m relearning all the features. Filler photo till I can resize something successfully- That’s how I hike up really hard mountain ranges…in a pair of boxers and a hoody. And untied tennis shoes.