3/14/05
Twenty years,
it’s breaking you down,
now that you understand,
there’s no one around.
Take a breath,
just take a
You’re falling apart,
You’re tearing at the seams.
Heaven forbid,
you end up alone and you don’t know why.
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow,
you’ll be alright.
It’s on your face,
is it on your mind?
What you’d give to build
a house of your own
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It’s like you wanted to go and give yourself away.
I believe I will be writing down today in the history of my life as a legendary day. At least I hope I will. Gaby and I end up having these deep conversations all the damn time, and I almost have an epiphany. This will be the biggest one, and one of my very own. The past few months have been this humongous mix of every emotion possible, and as of today, I really want to try and get it under control. I’ve drifted from one friend, and last week another decided I wasn’t worthy of her time because I finally said something when she ditched me for the 12th time that week, or whatever it happened to be. The fight with my Dad’s got me looking for an appt for shortly after graduation, even though waiting till the first semester of college is outta the way and I’ve got a considerable amount more saved up is much more feasable. I just don’t like that idea. I want to accomplish things, little things inside myself. I want to:
1. Deal with Myself. Not this stupid teenage girl ‘whine whine I’m not perfect’ but something more along the lines of working to be more healthy, taking better care of myself, forcing myself into getting enough sleep, etc. I want to try and be 2 sizes smaller by graduation. That’s all, only two. That’s not unrealistic. I want to focus on doing this for myself even though I always try to hide behind wanting help, support, etc. It needs to be all me. I want a better tan. I want to feel worthy of shaving my legs again, as terrible as that sounds. I think as a punishment for letting myself get this way I don’t, it’s not even me being lazy and not wanting to. I want a new hairstyle I feel I can show off, maybe even dying it. The simplest things I don’t take care of anymore because I don’t feel worthy. I want to deal with myself, realize bitching about it and feeling ugly and fat and dumb isn’t going to change the way I feel, it’ll jus be action, which is the hardest part.
2. Be Responsible. Dad’s made it very clear that he’s already begun to deal with the growing up thing, and he’s closer and closer to that letting go point and thinking the child’s jus gonna take flight. So I need to, because I’ve got nowhere left to go. I need to step up. As has been pointed out by my sister, Gaby, and anyone else who shops with me, I’m a total clearance whore. Anything that looked cool at one point in time and happens to only be 5 bucks I absolutly MUST buy and I end up spending $20, but heaven forbid I actually buy the flip flops that I really wanted there at the mall that only happened to be 10. That lil dollar section in the entryway of Target is made for people like me. I’m addicted to those ‘dollar buys.’ I think it’s genetic. Dad will say something that we need that’s 10 bucks on sale is too expensive, but spend 20 on a friggen JUICER that we’ve used maybe 5 times. I’m just used to it, but need to stop. I need to save the majority of my cash from now on, and stop buying stupid stuff. Seriously. I really need to rethink my spending habits. I guess I’m going to put aside a specific amount per paycheck for a ‘fun’ kinda bank. As in, movies, dinner with the girls, etc. Any of that… will be covered in that budget. Including stupid must-have clearance items. The rest that’s not in the bank is for gas, necessarys such as food when dad goes out yet again, etc. I think I wanna put way more then half of each paycheck in the bank from now on. Maybe I’m thinking 300 a month would be a good amount. That’ll be really helpful later on. Which means actually thinking about everything I buy, not in some maniacle spend-thrift sort of way, just a responsible type.
Responsibility also includes Riley, and laundry, etc. My responsibilities to the house are to do my share of the work. In a 4-person household, that should be 1/4 give or take some. However since I’m the oldest and I suppose fill-in mother, I get dumped on. I want to continue making sure all of MY shit specifically is taken care of, as well as keeping the house in general order. I don’t honestly care what it looks like, I just really cannot stand getting yelled at for hours on end when there’s popcorn and soda about, gamecubes or xboxes or whatever the hell those things are all over the floor, clothes strewn around, etc. and it all leads a trail to my brother’s room. I’m REALLY sick of those. It doesn’t matter, I’m doing my part. Riley is my dog. Sure I don’t brush her as often as I should, but she sheds a hell of a lot less then Charlie. Seriously, Dad doesn’t wear black, so all he sees is Riley’s hair all over, and naturally that’s all that’s there. But when I put on black workpants, I have to roll them to the knee and not sit anywhere lest I spend an hour with a lint roller later on.However, I’ll take responsibility for her more fully. I can’t help that I’m at work when she gets fed dinner, oh well. I’ll brush her more often, and move her doggy bed into my room and make her sleep in it every night I can.
I only end up doing my laundry on the weekends or whatever my days off actually happen to be, and doing the work laundry only very late the night before work. I want to change that, doing it the night I wear it or something. I want just one morning to wake up with ALL my laundry clean except for what I wore the day before being the only damn thing in the bottom of the hamper. Instead of having to decide between what’s left, I want all my options open, it’s such a great feeling. That shouldn’t be so hard, it’s just applying myself.
3. Give myself more time. Too often I feel entirely rushed. I really need to harness the idea of staying up 10 minutes later saving you 20 the next morning. Seriously. When I have my outfit already dried and ready, and my breakfast all set up, keys/backpack on the table, etc. I feel SO much better about the day. The preperation leads to so much less stress. I’m honestly going to enforce a checklist for before I go to bed. As in, I absolutly have to do A, B, and C before I can sleep. This will help so much. More time sleeping too. It could help a lot to give myself a better schedule. I do believe that when my earliest engagements start at 9:30, it’s alright to go to bed around 11 or so. That’s 9 hours of sleep if I so choose. However, i grudgingly admit that if I were to try for 10 every night and get up earlier, even 30 minutes to an hour, my days would be much better. The extra time in the morning’s great for getting things done, working out, etc. You can’t use the excuse of being tired when you first wake up. So that’s part of goal number 3. Up at 7 every day, excluding maybe a few days after long days of work, etc. Putting myself on a sleep schedule, and enforcing it. Even if I stay out getting lost downtown until 1 in the morning, up at 7 to go for a walk with Riles or something. Eventually the schedule will be natural, right? That’ll be really nice. The feeling of being well-rested.
4. Taking measured risks. Ask any of my friends. I’m the most publicly restrained person there is. Sure, I’m all sorts of goofy when it’s just us. But get me in any sort of public situation or one where I feel SOMEone is looking and I’m a different person. I won’t even order what I want at a restaurant for fear of someone thinking something about what I order. That’s terrible, it puts a terrible damper on me living my day to day life. If I want to walk into Wal-Mart and try on some kinda clothes, I don’t want to be worried about being seen in the fitting room. And if I want to go to some new place I’ve never been, I don’t want to be so worried about the public opinion that I practically go silent for the entire stay there. I want to be in the situation I was in with Laura in Park Meadows and actually make eye-contact instead of blushing and staring at my hand the entire conversation. I want to live a little outside of myself for a while, and see how that goes.
I want to be a better me.
But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize…Vienna waits for you
Slow down you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it’s the life you lead You’re so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong
But you know you can’t always see when you’re right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don’t you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you