The Daily Trip to Burn on the Altar!

Brother asked me late last night,  we were both in our cups a bit..How do I work with HER without losing my mind…how do you work with somebody you completely love but cannot be with?

How do I do it..and I explained and then finally showed him my last letter to HER,  which is basically that I threw my love for Her on the altar and sacrificed it to God,  and in fact it is something I do everyday..its actually part of my daily routine now…

I am an intensely visual person so my prayer life contains a strong component of imagery,  but it is how I pray….sometimes words,  sometimes images, sometimes just intense feelings that cannot even be communicated..

but here is one of two soundtracks that play in my mind every single morning…

My prayer starts with me walking through beautiful gates into a garden house..the kind rich people have,  and there at the entrance are these lush and unique flower beds,  because every morning I pick all the flowers that are there, and the next day there is more…armloads of flowers…inside sleeping on a bed that is wrapped in layers of gauzy netting, is my warrior princess,  asleep…

I trace my hand down her high cheeks, reach under and lift her gently into my arms…and thus begins a tender walk through the garden past the gates up the hill to the altar,  this place I have been to  many times..

You would think after so many times here that this mountaintop would be covered in ashes from all the times here..but it is not. it is a pristinely clean space…I gently lay her down,  her breathing barely changed as I carefully arrange the flowers around her….

The fresh hell I wake to every morning,  as I am staggered by the flowers of love that have blossomed in the beds of my heart overnight…the gentle harvest (and on some days it is not so gentle as some days I savagely rip those flowers out of the bed..) has become a thing of muscle memory…

This is when with every flower I drape,  I am placing my past, present, and future us up there…each flower..a thought, a care…(it is why the soundtrack makes sense to me even though we have never shared a kiss, or even a hug, or anything remotely that intimate,  just our hearts have touched because when I hear this track I am in my future “us” the one that only exists in my heart)

My only blessing is that I don’t have to light it,  I just have to place her there and mercifully God accepts that…as I finish all this I begin my walk down..

I don’t look back but I know if I did I would see the vapors and smoke and ashes,  a worthy sacrifice…

I find myself in this place sometimes many times a day, sometimes just once..but each time,  it has meaning and it gets easier….

At one time I feared Her running away,  but that fear has passed because we have bonded so hard and so deep,  I have her literally imprinted on the surface of my body…I was broken on the very Anvil of God,  the shock  of which permanently altered us both…

So thats is how I do it,…