Spilling it!

Time to start spilling it

So let me back up a little…my last couple posts are just filler…

So me and God we used to be real close…I brought Him my everything…I served Him and his church,  my life was there…I had 80 teenagers in my youth groups and I loved those kids…sometimes it seemed that I loved them more than their parents.  My ministry was focused on unchurched kids,  broken families,   outcasts, misfits,  (remember the island of weird toys in Rudolph?..yeah that was pretty much the scene)  it was hardest dirtiest most spiritually messy job I have ever had…I loved it though…the light in those kids eyes…spiritual healing is an amazing thing…I have seen the worst things that can happen to a child/teen/adult and how God can turn that shit around..family rape?  seen it,  physical abuse?  that too,  mental torture? mmmcmmm..pretty much the depravity of man was my weekly experience..but I also got to be part of the most amazing part of the human experience which grace, redemption, healing,  mercy,  and ultimately restoration.  Anyways without dragging it out,  the job was brutal but I loved it…the people that worked with me were like my family…one person in Particular her name was Angela K.  and she loved the girls in that group completely,  we labored side by side..we were good friends,  she was what I wanted my wife to be…but she wasn’t my wife and so in my usual style said to myself “tuff shit,  get on with your work, suck it up buttercup”

Then one night…as I was locking the church up Angela was the last one helping me clean up,  and somehow..we got right to the heart of the matter and just as we were at the last door I slipped and said “I wish XXXXX(my wife) was like you”…in a second the whole scene changed,  the air went electric,  she stopped, dropped her bag on the ground and took a step towards me…I yanked the door closed in her face turned the lock and literally ran through the sanctuary to the other side of the church…at this point all the lights were turned out and I wiped out on the chairs and just dog piled over the chairs towards the exit light..it only took me a moment to recover my composure and I went back to the door but Angela was gone.

I got in my car and I literally screamed at God,  “Fucking Fix it God!!  I guarded my heart!!  Why didn’t you protect me?  You fix it, I don’t want to fix it,”  I cried all the way home,  because I realized that I loved her and didn’t even know it and my wife wasn’t her…I had been so careful….and here I was thinking these awful thoughts…she quit the church that Sunday,  left a note, left all those kids,  I was devastated…still am actually,  at the time it was close to the biggest betrayal of my entire life…

4 years later,  my wife revealed to me that she wasn’t faithful in our marriage,  it was going on while I was working at the church….(I don’t want to go into how awful the whole scene was, but I still cannot figure out WTF she was doing with all those guys)

I was 33 at this time, we had been married 8 years,  I was dealing with my sister’s cancer,  I loved my wife,  and made the decision to stick with her..but was deeply and horribly wounded…we adopted kids,  and hey raising kids, you can get lost in that for a few years…but during this time something happened….

My wounds from the betrayal didn’t heal..my intimacy with my wife slowly died,  my intimacy with God died also…we used to talk, I would worship I would also confess, and all that slowly ground to a halt….its not that I stopped believing in God,  it was just that I was wounded,  i looked for a dark hole and crawled into it,   I just stepped away.. it was easier..I would still talk and God would still whisper but basically…I ran…

I ran…and ran..and ran…

I still did everything right, followed the rules,  raised those kids, I did my duty,  tithed, charity work,  but …..no intimacy…

This week I realized that this picture of marriage that I have been living the past 16.5 years to demonstrate to kids and everyone around me was a total sham…Dedication?  yes,  Duty? hell yeah.  Steadfast?  Like a rock.  Faithful?  yup        BUT        ..passion? none…Intimacy?  zero…

I feel like a chump,  my wife is the best roommate ever,  we get along amazing,  but not as  a partner/lover/soulmate….it is heartbreaking…we are good friends but thats it…and this week I realized…I am not going to be with her…at least as my partner…

I have decided that I would rather be alone and walk with God then have the comfort of an easy companion and stay estranged from God because I cannot reconcile the divide  between myself/her and God..it is going to be awful…for a while…

The root of how I came to the place to make this decision is more complicated and I hope to unpack that here too but it is going to take a while..

Right now I need all your prayers,  because I am one of the most broken men and yet I still believe in the promises God made to me all those years ago.

With warmth and fondness-

-Beauty for Ashes