Peniel and Rainbows!

So if your not familiar with the story,  Peniel was the place that Jacob wrestled with God,  the literal meaning of the place name is “the face of God”

Jacob was on his way to meet his brother Esau who was basically going to kick Jacob’s ass and take his wives,  in the dark by himself  Jacob met a man, an adversary, and they went at it,  Jacob couldn’t prevail,  but wouldn’t quit either,  as daybreak neared,  the man asked for Jacob to let go,  but he wouldn’t let go without a blessing, the man broke his hip with a touch,  and also blessed him, and  said “your name is no longer Jacob, but will be Israel.”  Jacob had seen the face of God and lived…scary and a blessing…

My moment came not quite two weeks ago when I asked God to basically (and I’m not proud of this but in this place i can be perfectly open)  have HER’s husband deported and for my wife’s plane to crash on the upcoming trip she is taking..because that would be the easy way for me to get what I wanted and be the hero and …blah blah blah..we get married,  little pink houses,  perfect life…I can get a free reset and don’t have to deal with all the pain from my past…yay me!  Sounds perfect, so make it happen God!

Well you can imagine that God wasn’t particularly pleased with me asking for that, especially because I was pretty damn fervent about it…

God met me in the dark and I mean really showed up,  and we went at it,  I blamed Him for a lot of things that have hurt me,  He showed me a lot of how I had hurt Him,  it went on all night,  and I do mean all night….I wouldn’t let go…it was awful…I gave Him every hurt inflicted on me,  He showed me all my pain that I had caused…I thought I was a hero…He wrecked me…but I wasn’t letting go…

The dawn came,  the tears dried,  I have a lot of work to do…messes to clean up,  behavior to change…day by day God has been revealing to me the things He wants fixed…yikes…it has been awful…

This morning I got up to go to gym but decided instead to go to the Mountain and try and find that holy spot that I had visited so often when I was younger.  The spot is hidden,  it off the trail to the top technically in a forbidden area (aren’t all the best things located where you have to cross the lines?)   but it is a little spring,  fresh water comes out,  there is a twisted evergreen that loops over the little pool of water and some stones that are convenient for resting on.  Once long ago I baptized myself here,  (don’t get all religious on me,  I know I was already baptized, but i’m telling you I was baptized there with own hands..and if you wanna get all theological on me then tell my why Jesus was baptized)

But anyways,  this place was and is holy to me,  God has met me here,  and once again i found it this place,  and once again I added fresh tears to this little pool…but here is the best part…a rainbow greeted my eyes…so many times on this mountain and have never seen one but this was what I needed to see this day, on this morning..

I have never felt more in God’s arms than I have today.  On the way down the mountain I was able to see both sides of the rainbow  and literally walked down the mountain into the arch..I didn’t walk,  I ran…… I ran and ran and ran…

For I know the thoughts I think towards you, says the Lord,

thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11