A Broken Hallelujah…

Blessed are the broken hearted, for they shall be comforted…

What happened this week, was never supposed to happen,  I had my shit on lock-down..but she blew through my locks, barriers, my boxes so carefully maintained she ripped off my camouflage.  and she stripped me to core…she got to my core desires..the most tender part of me..the part of me that is closest to God…and also the part of me that is most scared, and most scarred..I am angry at her and I love her.. for stripping away all my armor….for making me spiritually destitute,  

Naturally I want to get to her core, her heart of hearts..but her shit is locked down harder than mine…her scars maybe worse…this whole time i’ve been  talking about God not knowing that she herself was abused “in the name of God”….the rest of her story might take a book to explain…but I love all of her..the broken bits,  the cracks,  the scratches..her perfect imperfections..

She thinks I’m asking her to choose me over her current life…but i’m not…in fact if she did that we couldn’t have a relationship anyways…I am asking for something though…..which is to  acknowledge the sacredness of innermost part of me, which few have seen.  I’m pretty sure only 2 people in my life have seen it.   The ultimate rejection is to show somebody your entire being and then what? …with all the fiber of my being I believe in the promises that God made to me about Beauty for Ashes…but I think some people might look at it as just a dirty mess..

There is no doubt I have said and shared too much in the past days…but that is over now…i am getting on with what I have to get on with…I hope God surprises me with good things…I hope God so blesses the people around me that I care about…I’ve been praying this morning for many people.

It feels so good to be able to talk to God again..but it is also not fun having to clean up years of disobedient  behavior…

I told Her that she has only known the wounded me…and even wounded I am formidable opponent, i’m shaking off the cobwebs, and dirt,  and grime from hiding in my cave of sorrow…I am walking into sunlight…and I am preparing for the battle of my life, for everything good and right, and I have never been more thrilled.  You are looking at a Happy Warrior…