XOX4

More dreams. More blatant.

Crying and begging for help, desperate not to be left alone, only to be ignored – as if so underserving of their attention.

Again I woke in a panic. & This time my head was pounding. I did some deep breathing to calm my nerves & took some Tylenol to calm my head, and tried to will myself back to sleep, but it was futile this time. The panic desisted at least – but a sadness of sorts remained, as did the headache…I struggled through the entire day, just feeling like shit.

I’ve also been somewhat manic lately – obsessive, compulsive, just have to stay busy. It was a much slower paced busy today, but still a sense that I can’t sit still. I have to stay occupied. I have to be productive.

I can feel the controlling thoughts just dancing around my head – it isn’t enough to just get things done, it’s too messy and chaotic still, too unpredictable…how about a strict schedule with checklists and rules to follow, knowing exactly what to expect every minute of every day…repetition to perfection…? Luckily I just don’t have the energy to even try to be perfect, not today anyway.