What did I say?

 I said: I  probably should be offended – I’m not – because it’s true – but, it seems like I should be, offended.
He quickly clarified that he hadn’t meant for it to have such a negative connotation, on the contrary, he’d meant it as a compliment – that I was strong.

I thought about it yesterday.
And I thought about how ANXIOUS I had been to fuck him and how anxious I had been to feel like shit doing it.
And I wondered – why, exactly, was I so anxious to feel like shit?
It occurred to me, what I was anxious to feel was not particularly about ‘feeling like shit’, but rather, about feeling REAL.
I struggle every day of my life to be more than I am, to be better than I am. I FAKE IT. And it hurts, and it’s hard, and it is exhausting.
And when someone throws me down and fucks me, I am RELIEVED. Because I don’t have to fake being a whore.