weak

Tomorrow I have my EMDR appointment. I’m nervous. And numb. I’m just kind of over trying to get [a therapist] to understand.

I know that I have a good life (now), and I’m very grateful for it. It’s not a negative mindset that I struggle with, I know the value of what I have. I don’t need to be reminded. Trust me, I know. And sometimes, it’s suffocating.

& I don’t need to be told that I’ll be okay; I know that I will be fine…I don’t know how, but I always find the strength. It’s exhausting.

Maybe for once I’d like to stop focusing on how strong I am and actually be seen for how weak I am. I know I’m strong, I wouldn’t be where I am if I wasn’t. But I’ve never been allowed to just be weak.

Maybe for once I’d like to be validated in feeling like a broken fucking mess. To finally feel all the things that being strong and being okay kept me from. To be told it’s totally okay to not be okay for a minute. Even if I do have a good life.

I want someone to actually recognize the broken mess I have been the majority of my life, not the strong person I have to be.

Of course I am detached from my trauma, I’ve never gotten to be the victim – I’ve had to be separate from it, in order to be okay.

It’s been over 10 years I think? Since I last cut. And I know that the vast majority of the population would never understand, how cathartic is felt – to just watch the blood drain from my body. But that’s how desperate it’s felt to live with these secrets. When all I really want is just to get them out.