The Past

Beth said to me:
“You seem like your self-esteem is much better than it was in high school.”

And there was a disconnect.
Because I thought no, I’ve always thought pretty highly of myself…I’ve always known I am “above average”.
But, I did think quite lowly of myself in high school. Obviously.
…somehow I simultaneously believed I was great, but that that greatness was worthless.

And, maybe I am stubborn to think that my past doesn’t affect me. Maybe I am wrong.
But maybe, while who we are and who we become and how we live our life are all choices we make…maybe our choices are influenced by our beliefs, and maybe our beliefs can be fucked up by things in our past, maybe it is hard to make some of those choices because of what we’re told and how we’re treated. Or things that have happened to us.

Maybe the difference is that I can now choose to surround myself with people that believe in the truths I’ve always known of myself. I am not told I am a fuck up, I am not treated like I’m worthless.
Maybe the difference is that I am no longer confined in a place where I am hated, fighting to feel worth something, and cutting myself over inconsistencies and condemnation because it’s all too much for me to resolve.

I don’t have to.
Because I can choose to be with people that accept and support and love me, despite how fucked up I am.

Maybe, just maybe, Jesus was on to something when he told us that thing about just loving people, above all else