SI

I used a disposable razor today for the first time in probably 8+ years.
I’m talking your basic, doesn’t get any cheaper than this, disposable razor.
I almost couldn’t do it.
You know that terribly sickening feeling you get when something horrific happens. Your whole body goes numb & your palms get sweaty, your hands shake. All you can hear is your heart beating.
That’s how I felt.
It was as if I associated that razor with nothing but the sharp pain of slicing into my flesh.
For the first two years that I was cutting they were all I used – I would snap off the front plastic piece so I could dig the blades straight into my legs.
The way my mind processed it, this razor was to cut myself with, as if it were a completely different object; the idea that it could be used to shave my legs just like any other razor, was unreal. Even after rationalizing with myself, it was hard for my body to accept that I could indeed pick up that razor and just shave my legs with it.
That I wasn’t going to bleed when the blades touched my skin.