Nosebleed

He told me that, as a pilot, he learned that you have to have gauges – because, if you get vertigo, your body starts confusing directions. And if you trust yourself, and what you feel, you will crash the plane. You have to learn to trust the gauges, even if they tell you something that conflicts with what you are feeling.
And we need people in our lives, that will be our gauges. And sometimes you just have to trust them, even if they tell you something that conflicts with what you are feeling.

I thought it was a good metaphor.

But it’s like, I know when to listen to others. I am a smart girl, and I know when I’m being stupid. I know.
I am smart enough to see what’s there. I am not in denial of things.
I don’t need someone to show me where I’m wrong, I KNOW where I’m wrong.
And I can’t get past that enough to see that maybe there are times that I DON’T know that I don’t know.

I could have said so many more things.
Of course, on the drive home, I thought of a million things that I could have said. should have said. would like to have said.

He mentioned the incident, months and months ago – when I was working out with Jen…when he asked me about my scars.
He said it was awkward for him because as soon as he asked, he realized what they were from.
And I know, bringing that up, he was trying to get me to open up about it.
I didn’t. I awkwardly, didn’t.
He said that they didn’t seem like new scars, so that was good…I said, no, its been 2 or 3 years. And that I quit on my own…so obviously, I am fine on my own.
And he said that I was strong, that its not easy to quit something like that.
And I think he wanted me to tell him why or what it was like or, something. But I said nothing else about it.

He also said that sometimes the things we perceive to be strengths, are sometimes exactly what is holding us back – in reference to my wall, that I think is a result of strength. The opposite of vulnerability.

He asked me what I wanted from him. And I told him I wanted him to convince me that I needed people – that I had agreed with everything he had said (he’d provided many examples like the gauge thing, already), but that I still felt that I, specifically, had nothing to gain from letting my wall down. Most people can’t see outside their pain and emotion, they need people to tell them like it really is. I, am NOT most people. And I know, that sounds conceited and maybe everybody says that about themselves. But, I am well read and I am analytical and I am detail oriented and observant and I make connections and I think about every aspect of every possibility…I am not confined to “me”, like most people.
If that makes sense.

Jen told me that maybe it isn’t about what someone can tell me, though, that maybe its just about what I need to say.
I like that idea better.