homework

We did an exercise in therapy Monday, just letting your mind wander and narrating your thoughts – without judgement, just literally being aware of them and repeating them out loud – but after the initial thoughts I’d already had floating around in my head, I just hit a wall…just black empty nothingness. Precisely what I expected, and maybe that was the point, I don’t know. But I was thinking about it afterward, just the excruciating blank vastness. And it reminded me of a line from the most recent poem that I wrote – “I am the deep blue nothing” – so I pulled it up to read it… my curiosity taking me down a rabbit hole, as usual. I noticed the next lines “drowning in the noise, choking choking…” and thought, that imagery seems relatively familiar, and I wondered how many times I’d used it in my poetry – so back I went through the archive & read through multiple descriptions of being choked, strangled, suffocated, drown, unable to breathe: “…oh how it strangles so…” “choking on the words…” “…they strangle you with doubt…” “…the ropes around our necks, pulling tighter tighter tighter…” “drown me in my sleep” “water in my lungs”.

I thought emptiness would be a common theme as well but surprisingly I noticed that the truth/lies and just an overall tone of feeling controlled were much more prevalent. I just found it interesting, that I repeatedly used that imagery despite each poem taking on very different tones. And that no other imagery was repeated really. At least not that much.

Then. My “homework” for the week was to just practice awareness of my feelings, and not just the feelings themselves, but my body’s physical responses to them. I noticed that shame kind of hits me in the stomach, and fear presses down on my chest, panic is stabbing, anxiety is just energy coursing through my body…and then, what is most interesting, is that after having sex with my husband, I started crying – this happens from time to time, so it didn’t alarm me, but I can’t physically hold the tears back… it’s impossible, they’re so strong they seep out even if I close my eyes… so I just turn where he can’t see me because I don’t want him to be concerned or feel like he did something wrong & it usually only lasts a minute or so, no big deal.  But during that minute – it feels like I’m suffocating, my lungs burn and my neck feels like its on fire, like I’m being choked or drown and I can hardly breathe. And then it lets go & its over.

And I thought, what is that though? It’s happened plenty of times, I just have always ignored it – I assume it’s residual something from being raped but I’ve never been able to figure out exactly what, so I stopped trying. Even now, I can’t pinpoint a specific feeling. It’s like a minute of black empty nothingness while my body screams something at me that I don’t understand. Something it’s apparently been screaming most of my life.

Speaking of the body screaming things that can’t be put into words. I bought a cheap box cutter and blades the other day. I’m not even sure if I had any intention of using them – but I just felt this compulsion…like I needed to get them, just in case. Like maybe I could try to bleed the anxiety out. If I needed to. It just felt, like I would be safer if I had them.

Part of me really does want that sweet release. But I’m not sure I could even go through with it. It’s been 10 years. I’m not sure it’s the same as riding a bike. I think it would take some practice. And I don’t want all that. I just want one and done. An easy out.