Escalation

I thought I was fine. I thought I was being safe, just skirting the edges of anorexia, dipping my toes in just enough to fulfill that craving for control.

I passed out this morning. It was 7:30 and I could hear the girls already up, reading in their room (they don’t come out until 8) – I decided to go ahead and get up and start getting ready for the day. I was walking around toward the bathroom and turned to glance over at the clock, 7:37. And then everything got fuzzy, I tried to grab the dresser as I felt my legs give out, and then I was on the floor. It happened so quickly, I felt like I woke up as soon as I hit – my elbow had caught the edge of the bench at the end of our bed and I must have collapsed kind of sideways onto my hip, but managed not to hit my head on the desk behind me at least. I was shaking and tears filled my eyes as I sat up, in complete shock. I looked back at the clock, 7:52. I was unconscious for over 10 minutes. Can you imagine if my children had been there, if they’d witnessed me pass out? And been left alone, for 10 minutes, unable to wake me? How the fuck could I let this happen?