ED

I’m literally shaking, I almost spilled my coffee.
It’s happening sooner than usual; I used to be able to go a week before it got to this point, easily. But lately it’s been 1-2 days; I guess because I’ve been maintaining a low weight for so long. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not going to stop me. It never has. I’m stronger than people give me credit for…just, in all the wrong ways.

I had a dream last night that I was so weak I was having trouble walking, having to stop and hold on to things. I was on the verge of passing out, my vision blurring as I grabbed for things to support me. I guess I was walking to a party & when I got there everything I picked up to eat or drink would either spill or I’d drop it or set it down, turn around, look back, and it would be gone. Think maybe my subconscience is trying to tell me something?

The medication I’m on kills my appetite, which I’d admitted when I first got on it so I don’t know why I couldn’t seem to get myself to talk about it yesterday.
The doctor warned me, strongly, several times; told me that some people experience loss of appetite and/or weightloss & I needed to be conscious of that because I am already “so small” it’d be “dangerous for me to lose any weight”, so if I did have any problems with it that I should let her know & she could switch me, she just thought this medication was the best fit for me, so long as I don’t experience those particular side effects.
And I decided not to mention my already existing issues with weight.

I mean it’s better than being an alcoholic or abusing drugs or cutting myself, right?

I’m just trying to find justification…please don’t try to rationalize with me.
You can’t say anything I don’t know & haven’t heard a hundred times before.