ED

I am still trying to remind myself that I do want to be healthy.
I thought maybe thinking about how terrible it used to be, would be enough; but. even the worst memories are ineffective.
And its not that I am remembering it to be less than what I actually went through, its that, as terrible as it was, it STILL doesn’t seem as terrible as being healthy.

One of the worst days I can remember, was during my first semester of college; I got up for work one morning and my body was so weak that I passed out as soon as I got out of bed. I couldn’t stand or walk without collapsing and/or passing out. I literally had to crawl out to the living room to get my phone to call someone to bring me something to eat, because of course I never kept food at my house; I had only been living back in SC for a couple months and didn’t really know anyone, so I ended up calling one of the girls that I worked with simply because I knew she was in school to be a nurse and figured she would be the easiest person to explain the situation to – it was completely humiliating. I remember laying on the floor in my living room because I couldn’t even sit up, and she came & brought me soup and bread from Panera, and sat with me all morning while I tried to eat – because I hadn’t eaten in several days it took me a couple hours to finally keep anything down. It was so terrible that I honestly thought I was going to end up in the hospital, being tube fed.

& no, I don’t want to ever get to that point again; but the thing is, I think I am somehow better or stronger or more in control (as if I can actually control whether or not I pass out) and I would never let that happen again…but I KNOW there’s a point where it doesn’t matter what I would or wouldn’t do because I WILL lose control.
I KNOW this. But something inside of me still denies it.