Andy

I went to Andy’s Monday night.
We watched a movie and then of course, we fucked. And at first I really felt, I don’t know the word for how I felt. But, we hadn’t seen eachother in almost a week, hadn’t had really any contact at all, and now we were fucking? I guess maybe I felt used. Like, in my head, as he kissed me and took my clothes off, all I could think was, yeah, that’s right, fuck me, that’s all I’m good for afterall.
I don’t know. I guess I’m still worried that I don’t mean anything to him, that he just keeps me around for sex, and once he’s gone, that really will be the end of us, completely. Like that’s all he wants from me, and once he can’t have it, then there’s nothing left of me that he would care about.
But I kind of got over it, I mean, maybe not during it, but I’m over it now.
He was really aggressive though, in an “I have to have you” way, which even if it is only on a sexual level, it still makes you feel a little less worthless.
Then we spent the day together yesterday, and we were suppose to go out with one of his friends last night, but he bailed on us, so once again, we just watched a movie…and then, well, you know. But this time it was different because he didn’t initiate it really, I did.
I can’t even begin to tell you how good it was. We had to be really quiet and slow because his step-dad was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which is like ten feet from Andy’s room and his bed does creak with the slightest bit of intensity. So it was completely intimate, I don’t know, being so close, the entire time, made everything like ten times better.

I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over him.

But I’m getting used to the idea that I’m going to have to. I’m trying not to care.

And this entry really wasn’t suppose to be just an exploitation of my sexuality, honestly I meant to talk about my feelings more, I was suppose to show you exactly what I’m going through. But. Oh well. Maybe I’ll come back to that.