11/11/2011

I had this talk with Jen.
Because Ben asked me out the other night — I’ll explain that first I guess: I was in group and I got up to get a drink, but there’s this partition thing in the middle of the room, and it was crowded, so I just went out to go around and back in the other side because that’s where the drinks were…Lauren and Ben (and Jeremy) were standing in the hall, and Ben said to me, and I quote “I was just telling Lauren that I couldn’t decide who was cuter, you or Courtney, but then I decided on you.” He proceeded to ask me out – not immediately thereafter, but after we’d all been standing there talking for a bit – I just diverted the conversation to whatever everyone else was talking about (but not in an obvious way) without ever answering. And then went back into group.
Now Ben has liked me for awhile & Courtney teases me about it all the time. So I did the girly thing and immediately repeated to her what had just happened. She told me I had to go back out and tell him yes. I did not do that, what I did was I went back out and told him that if he gave me a good reason why he liked me then I would go on a date with him; he said he already had – he’d told me I was cute. I told him that if I wanted to hear I was cute all I had to do was walk down the street, he had to do better than that.
Okay.
Jen thought it was a little ridiculous that I needed a ‘good reason’ before I would go out with him, and pointed out that the natural progression of attraction generally starts with one person thinking the other person is cute.
I told her that may be true, but that I needed more than that because if the guy doesn’t know me well enough to be able to tell me what it is he likes about me, as a person, then we shouldn’t be trying to date…there’s no point in getting involved with someone and inevitably developing feelings for them just to find out you don’t really like them that much after all, once you actually get to know them, and then people get hurt – and if I obliged and went out with every guy that thinks I’m cute, well…
This is where she interrupted me.
And she said, “so they can have sex with you…but they can’t date you unless they have a good reason?!”
Yes. Exactly.
In MY head it makes perfect sense.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand how other people think – I don’t understand when people make a big deal about sex. I don’t understand when they regard it as this “special” thing. I honestly, just, don’t get it. I think it would be nice to see it that way, but, I just, don’t see how or why, I don’t understand what it is that makes it so “special”.
I mean, it’s “special” when I’m with Andy, I guess, so I can see how certain instances can be…but just, in general, oh, I don’t know.
It just frustrates me sometimes.

And I don’t really remember where I was going with all that or what my point was going to be.