03/30/2011

Tonight I went to 20 Something’s, and we were in a classroom with those plastic school-type chairs. They hurt my spine so badly and I had to keep slouching so at least all the pain didn’t go to the same spot and bruise. I finally had to just lean forward so I wasn’t against the chair at all. It was terrible.
Remember how I was complaining a couple weeks ago about how when I took pictures for Andy all I could see were bones? Looking at pictures I took this morning compared to pictures I took then…it’s ridiculously more disgusting.
I don’t understand why some of the fat can’t just come off my thighs. And calves. And love handles. The places I actually have fat. Even my arms.
My chest is the only area I DON’T need to lose from…and it’s the only area that I am.
Even my boobs are smaller. And I didn’t think that was even possible.

And yes, that paragraph just digressed from how uncomfortable and disgusting I feel because of my protruding bones…to how much fat I still have.

I woke up this morning in a strange mood.
I didn’t notice it so much at first – I laid in bed for awhile as per usual, got some cereal and checked my email on my iPhone, took a shower, or, stood in the shower anyway…that’s when I realized this strange feeling.
I got out and laid right back in bed and just started crying.
I laid there for awhile, tears streaming down my face, and I have no idea why.
I suddenly just felt really alone. And anxious. And sad.

Remember over the summer, the terrible “the world is ending” type feelings I was having. It was that.

I feel fine now, but for those few hours…it was like I was facing imminent death. Like, this is it. You’re not gonna make it.