03/29/2011

I spent most of the day with Luke.

We messed around on the couch for a long time, I told him I didn’t want to have sex.
I didn’t tell him my reasoning. I was too scared.
My reasoning is this:
I am so tired of being used for sex.
If I am good enough to fuck, why am I not good enough to date?
So unless he’s serious about me, I don’t want to have sex.
Because I am not an object.
& I don’t want another meaningless notch on the bedpost.
And I especially am tired of feeling like a meaningless notch on a bedpost.

I’m scared to say that to him though because I’m afraid it’s going to come off as me pressuring him to date me. Like, I’m bribing him – date me and I’ll give you what you want.
And that’s not what it is at all.
The dating is not the issue, that is up to him – I just want to make it clear that the sex is not. The sex comes with the dating. Not without. I’m ok if he just wants to be friends. But if we’re friends we are just that. We are not going to be friends with benefits.
I just, I’m afraid I’m going to sound like a bitch. Or. I don’t even know.

None of this is even going to matter because in the end I’m going to give into him either way. I know myself.