Wednesday 4/27/22

7:51am I had a fairly good night. I had a nice aid who put me to bed at a decent hour,around ten. While in bed I downloaded Audible books. I do not think I will mess with tat app because they want you to become a prime member for $9.99 a month. You get a free book for signing up but I don’t have the money to pay for a membership. Besides I was just too tired to mess with it.

I slept pretty good last night. I remember this one dream I had. I had this job where I got a promotion. This one guy was very jealous and wouldn’t cooperate with me. He wanted the job for himself. We were at this company function. He had a few drinks. I was giving a speech and he kept interrupting with car calls.  Finally I had enough and walked over to his table. I said ” Stand up and face me like a man!” We would have gotten into a fist fight but the aid came in to get me out of bed.

Again she was nice. She cleaned me up and put me in a clean gown. She helped me into my wheelchair. I was up by six but still felt tired. I slept in my chair until breakfast I had egg with cheese, two slices of toast, hot cereal ,hot coffee a glass of oj  and chocolate milk. Breakfast was good and it perked me up.

10:48am Darla from physical therapy came for me after breakfast. I didn’t do very well. I had to do two standing exercises. I think I only stood for three minutes each. Then I had to do the same leg exercises. This was the hardest part. I did ok with the right leg. The left one gave me the problem. I was in a lot of pain today. Left leg was very hard to move. I felt very discouraged because I do not feel I’m making any progress?

PT lasted thirty minutes. I talked with Chocolatechip after they brought me back. She sounded tired but was in good spirits. Chocolatechip said that she had a good night. Nobody knock ked on her door, she said. Her legs were bothering her and she had to take two ibuprofen. She said she tried to call me. I told her I had pt. Said I I had a lot of trouble with my left leg. I also said they were pushing for knee replacement surgery. We both agree that is not a good idea. I was getting kind of sleepy so I cu short our talk.

I’ve been sitting in my chair waiting for !unch. I got very tired and began to doze on and off. For some reason depression got a hold of me. I guess I  got depressed from PT. I really do my best but feel I’m not making progress. Sometimes I think I will never be able to walk again

5:29pm I’ve been so fn depressed this afternoon. I do not know what hit me. I ate a good lunch of chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy and mixed veggies. I had ambrosia for desert. For drinks I had a fruit punch and coffee. It was pretty good and I usually feel better after lunch. But not today because my mood took a nose dive. I felt like shit all afternoon.

I do not know what hit me today. All I know is I felt like pure hell. I felt like crying for no apparent reason. I felt like crawling into bed and never getting up again.  I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t have any thoughts but I felt I wouldn’t get out of the way of an on coming truck.

I just sat in my very uncomfortable wheelchair. I dozed on and off. I kept thinking about knee replacement surgery. I think that contributed to the depression. I heard so many bad stories about them I’m afraid of thinking about it much less going through with it. Darla says that I would feel so much better. I would be able to walk again. I kept saying no no and triple times no to surgery.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking about it. I kept thinking it would be nice if I could walk. I also said to myself something could seriously go wrong. I was obsessing about it and I think this is what made me so depressed.

Just had a lousy supper. I had a baked fish sandwich,peas and some kind of soup. I ate it but I’ve had better.