Tuesday 9/ 3/ 24

12:41a.m. I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. I was dreaming about my father He started yelling at me for no reason I started yelling back. We ended up calling each other terrible names. Then the cops arrived. I was still screaming finally calmed down. I explained to the cop I got sick of my father and his abuse. I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

Then my mother started crying. I put my arms around her. I said I need you to be strong. My father wanted to hug us. I told him to go to hell. He had a stunned look on his face. The cops were then going to make him leave for the night. He said he had no place to go. This was when I woke up.

I swear I do not know where these dreams come from. It seems a lot of them are about. argueing with my parents. But I have all kinds of weird dreams. They are very disturbing and frightening to me. I remember one of my psych diagnosis was night terrors. I really had some dreams back then.

2:29a.m. I’m still awake. I can’t get back to sleep for fear of having more dreams. Then there is too much on my mind. It is keeping me awake. One thing that is bothering me is I had to sign something for the business lady. I don’t trust the business office. I keep thinking they are going to screw with my money. So I will not get my $50 this month. I just know they are screwing with me.

Then I can’t get those damned books out of my head. I just cannot live without them. I keep telling myself I don’t need any books. It doesn’t do a bit of good. I am crazy as a loon

9:40a.m. I finially got some sleep. But I had weird dreams all night long. I was up for a breakfast I couldn’t eat. Then I went back to sleep. I slept until the aide came to get me dressed and in my wheelchair. Despite everything I’m still above the dirt.

11:38a.m. I just got back from physical therapy . They want me to move me legs. So I have been doing leg exercises. I’ve been working with Darla. I told her I think I’m a lost cause. She said I’ve been doing great. I do the best I can. Today I did three sets of twenty for each exercise. I guess that isn’t too bad.

I’m waiting on my lunch. Today I am having cream of broccoli soup, sloppy joes, potato salad and pineapple crisps. This is goingl to be good.

1:48p.m. I had two ham and cheese sandwiches instead of sloppy joes. I ate them anyway. Lunch was still good. I called Chocolatechip after I ate. She went to Krogers this morning. Chocolatechip said she bought $50 worth of groceries. She also did a load of laundry when she got back in addition to the usual chores. She had a very busy day.

I read a letter from the nursing home. I have a care conference meeting scheduled for September 10 at 1:45p.m. The purpose is to review my care plan, identify needs, goals and progress. It is to last fifteen minutes. I said I’m making up a list of items I want to discuss which are:

Continued lack of care
Getting broken eye glasses replaced
Nursing homes owes me at least $50 in Amazon gift cards.
Getting up in my wheelchair for breakfast

These are four items so far. I will add more to the list. I also said I can have a friend or family member attend. Chocolatechip is my only family but she has no way to get here. Bummer

Lunch perked me up. I hope I can read my.book The Truths We Hold by Kamala Harris this afternoon.

3:49p.m. I feel frustrated because I’m getting the run around. I went to the business office. I wanted to find out how much money I was getting this month. By rights I should be able to get $100 in Amazon gift cards. I never did get anything in July. The lady gave me a flimsy excuse as to why she couldn’t log into her computer. She said she would look it up in an hour and get back to me. But she never did come to my room.

Then I went to the activities department. I wanted to know I f they were going Walmart shopping this month. They said they didn’t know until later. Bullshit. This was another run around.i thought. Chocolatechip said there is something fishy going on. That is why I can’t get a straight answer. In think she is right because I’ve been going through this every month.

Then the care was shitty this afternoon. I was sitting in feces and urine since lunch. The hoyer pad started to hurt. I was also out of water. My mouth was a sandbox. I had the call light on for an hour before I got help. I will say I had a nice aide who cleaned me up good. She was also friendly. But I should not have to go through this shit everyday.

I’m ok now except for the money situation. I just want to know how much I’m getting. I also want to know if I will get an Amazon gift card. Why does it have to be like this?

6:26p.m. I had a bowl of beef stew and vanilla ice cream for supper. I’m a bit bloated but it will pass. I talked with Chocolatechip after I ate. She had pork chops. Then she talked about her doctors appointments. Chocolatechip has seven this month. Then she talked about that appointment with WV Choice. This is to determine if she still qualifies for the waver program. We talked for twenty minutes then she had to take her evening meds.

I’m going to try to have a good evening. I want to read my book The Truths We Hold by Kamala Harris I don’t want to waist time obsessing over books or gift cards. Worrying won’t change anything except make me depressed and anxious. I will get one or I won’t.

8:00p.m. I’m trying to read but can’t concentrate. I’m very pissed off. I’m pissed because I’ve been lying in urine since supper. The aide will not change me until I get my shower. That will not be until midnight. So I have to lie in my own piss half the night. No wonder I cannot concentrate. Who the hell could concentrate on anything while soaked in urine? I swear I hate this place.

10:40p.m. I got a shower by 9:30. The aide wasn’t friendly but she did a good job. I feel better except I’m obsessed over the damned gift card. I just want to know how much it and if I’m going to get a card this month. Is that asking too much? Sometimes I just think they are screwing with me. Or they are getting a sick thrill by tormenting me . I just think it is crazy.

Chocolatechip was up late tonight. I called after my shower. Some guy was lurking outside her apartment door. She cought him then he ran down the hall. We talked about that and other things. She said she got up and fixed a baked potato. I said having food in the frig was worth getting rid of cable. You have to cover the basics before getting cable . She agreed.We had a nice talk for almost an hour. Finially she wanted to try and get some sleep

I didn’t read very much today. This was a bit of a bad one. OCD was bad and the care was shitty. I had a hard time concentrating on my book. I kept thing ab out the lousy care and buying yet more books. I swear I’m crazy as a loon

Msr