Thursday 8/8/24
7:58p.m. I read The Edge until 11:00 last night. I fell asleep . I had a good night for a change with no weird dreams. I was up for good by 6:30. Breakfast of biscuits and eggs was served at 7:00. I ate the biscuits. I talked with Chocolatechip after I ate. She was in good spirits . I told her about the run in with the aide last night. I said she turned out to be nice and I apologized for yelling.
Speaking of aides I had Asshole all week. He was terrible. Today I have a new aide. She introduced herself before breakfast. She seems nice . I think she will be much better. A good aide makes all the difference. So I think I’m going to have a great day.
10:10a.m. I was dressed and in my wheelchair in time for the coffee social. I made my way to the Fiesta Room. I had one nice and hot coffee. I didn’t stay very long. I drank my coffee and made my way back to my room. That extra coffee sure did hit the spot
Also, I’m wearing a pair of pants and a short today. I feel much better dressed than wearing a skimpy hospital gown. I had pants in my closet all this time Asshole did not dress me. Anyway it sure feels good to be dressed and getting out of my room.
I am wondering if I will be getting that $50 Amazon gift card today. Activities told me I will be getting one. I also had to sign for it. I hope I get one because I want to buy that Bluetooth speaker today. The nursing home promised but they have lied to me before.
11:20a.m. This fucking nursing home does nothing but lie. They told me yesterday I was getting a gift card today. I just got back from the Activities department. They have not been shopping. I don’t know if I’m getting an gift card today or not. I probably won’t get one, the lying bitches. I can’t get a straight answer the from anyone in this place. That what makes me so mad and upset.
I just want what is mine. I’m supposed to get $50 a month out of my check. I didn’t get it last month. It looks like I’m not getting it this month. So that is one lie. Then they promised I could get my money in Amazon gift cards. That was another lie. Lie upon lie upon lies. Isn’t it any wonder I get upset? Bullshit is what it is.
I’m very upset and disappointed. But I’m not letting this ruin my day. I’m going to chill and defuse. Then eat my lunch. BTW, I’m having bean with bacon soup, BBQ pork sandwiches, corn and a fruit cup. Lunch should put me in a better mood. Then I can concentrate on The New York Times this afternoon.
1:51p.m. Lunch was good and I ate it all. But I’m still fuming over the gift card. I went back to activities department after I ate. I wanted to talk with the boss. She was not in yet or so they said. They also said I will be told if and when they go to Walmart. I don’t know if they’re going today or not. I do know it was a wasted effort.
I was talking to Chocolatechip about this. I said it seems I go through this shit every month. I just don’t understand why I can’t get a straight answer. I feel like I’m lost in limbo land. That is what makes me so mad. Chocolatechip said to keep bugging them and don’t let them swindle. I don’t know if bugging them does any good I replied. Then I said I bet they pocket the money. It wouldn’t surprise me.
I got to get a grip. This isn’t helping my mental health. Getting upset and sick will not help matters. I’m going to try and spend the rest of the afternoon reading the paper.
2:51p.m. I can’t get any rest or peace. My oxygen tank is empty. I can’t get any help. I need hooked up to my machine. The aides will not answer the call light. I need changed and want to get back in bed. But I can’t get any fucking help! I had the call light on the for at least an hour
Someone just answered. I said I need hooked up to my machine. The lady also said she will find out why I haven’t gotten a gift card. This one said I should be getting one every month. I told her I didn’t get one last month nor this month.. She said she will go down now to and find out why.
6:27p.m. This last lady wasn’t much of a help. She talked with Activities and came back with a completely different story. She was telling me about it and I felt like I wanted to scream. Bottom line is I am not getting a gift card anytime soon. My question is what happens to my $50 that I’m supposed to get out of my check? I don’t know. It is a study in frustration is what I do know.
I was talking to Chocolatechip about how I ruminated all day about the stupid gift card. She said don’t stay up all night thinking about it. I said I waisted enough sweat and tears. I will either get one or I won’t. I said I’m going to chill out tonight and read my book. She said good. I already spent too much time crying over a stupid gift card.
We talked about this and other things until supper. I had a slice of turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots and vanilla pudding. It wasn’t so great but I ate it all. I called Chocolatechip. She made plans for a visit on the 22nd. This cheered me up. I said this news is better than a hundred dollar Amazon gift card. I can’t wait to see her.
Well, this turned out to be another shitty day in this fucked up nursing home. I hate living in a nursing home. I lost everything I ever had when I came here. I do not have control over my check. Hell, I can’t even buy a book anymore. That is what kills me.
7:16p.m. The fucking God damned nursing home! I can’t concentrate on my book for thinking about the lousy gift card. Why couldn’t they have gotten me one last Tuesday? More important why can’t I get this out of my stupid head? I can’t shake the thought that I am being screwed royally. Once again I can’t do anything about it and that is just awful.
Rational me knows I’m not thinking rational. I say fuck being rational! I’m mad as hell. I think I have every right to be mad as hell. Anyone who has been screwed out of $100 would be totally pissed. That is still a lot of money for a poor man. I have a right to be mad.
But are these thoughts based on fact? Will these thoughts help archive goals? Will these thoughts help me feel the way I want without alcohol or drugs? Will these thoughts help avoid conflict? Will these thoughts help me protect my life? The answer to all these rational questions is a resounding no. It is best for me to change my thoughts because I’m in a very bad place right now.
Writing this has a calming effect on me. I know obsessing over the gift card is not helping me. It is a big disappointment. But it is not the end of the world. I do not need a Bluetooth speaker to survive. I have plenty of books to read. I still have a roof over my head, three meals a day, phone, cable and Internet. So I’m not out in the cold. Life is still good. Finially, it is best for me to forget about it and get on with my book. Life is still good.
9:12p.m. I have been trying to read. I got through two chapters. I’m trying to stop thinking about the gift card. I know it is foolish but I can’t help it. It is more than foolish. It is crazy. Thinking and thinking about it will drive me crazy. But I can’t get the thought out of my head.
What exactly am I thinking anyway.? It is awful that I didn’t get the gift card. Also, the nursing home is screwing with me and I cannot stand for it. These thoughts are causing a lot of negative feelings. I’m anxious, very mad and getting very depressed. These are feelings I do not want. So how can I change them?
I cannot control the fact I didn’t get a gift card. But I can change my thoughts by applying the Five Rational Questions which are:
- Is thought based on fact? I’m still above the dirt so I can’t stand it
- Will it help achieve goal? No
- Will thought help me feel the way I want? No.
- Will thought help avoid conflict No
- Will it help me protect my life ? No
My thinking is very negative and irrational. Negative thinking produces negative, irrational feelings. Since I can’t change what happened I can replace the negative thoughts to a more positive, rational thought. Such as, it is best to accept the fact since I cannot change the event.