Thursday 6/1/23

12:17a.m. I’m so wound up from caffeine and worry I can’t sleep. I just got off the phone with Chocolatechip. She didn’t sleep very well. People across the hall were moving too much noise from moving. Just when she has to get up early for a trip somebody decides to move. It’s par for the course. Anyways if I missed her in the morning I wished her luck. Then Chocolatechip was worried that Theresa might be a no show. Again that would be par.

I talked about the Book Club being a waste of time. I said I can only handle so much socializing in a day. Chocolatechip said she is the same way. I sad only a few people showed and hardly anyone read a book. I talked briefly about my book on the Bill of Rights. I said jokingly everyone was fascinated with what I had to say. We said our goodbyes soon because she wanted to fix coffee.

Well it is after midnight and I’m still in my wheelchair.it is my own fault because I wanted to stay up. I overloaded on the coffee today . That was a big mistake.  Now I can’t sleep  grrr oh well maybe I might be able to read some more after they put me to bed.

1:30a.m. I’m in bed now. It remains to be seen if I get any sleep I did nap for a while in my wheelchair. But now I feel so sound up. I have that wired and tired feeling a d that’s a terrible feeling to have. It’s like I’m so tired but I cannot wind down to get any sleep. I hate this because my day will be wrecked. I’ll be like a zombie in the morning.

One thing it feels good to be off that damned wheelchair.I’ve been sitting in it since 5am yesterday morning Fortunately, I wasn’t sitting on a hoyer pad. Still my butt hurts from sitting in one spot for so long. Isn’t it any wonder why I have sores? 

Worrying about Chocolatechip and that damned trip to Morgantown is also keeping  me awake. I keep thinking they will find something very seriously wrong such a as dementia. I got that thought in my head and I can’t let it go. It’s crazy but I just cannot help myself from worrying. I’m so frigging anxious over this trip and I’m not even going.

So this is a very rough night. I feel so very frustrated. I have all this energy building up inside me. I feel like I’m ready to bust a gut or something. I wish I could burn it off by walking.  At this late hour of be walking up and down the road. But  I can’t walk. I do not know what to do with myself.

5:54a.m. I’m in my wheelchair dressed in a pair of pants and a shirt.Sitting on a hoyer pad does hurt when I’m dressed. I calmed down considerably but still couldn’t sleep. I feel fairly perky despite not sleeping.

I talked with Chocolatechip a little bit ago. She is ready to go . On her trip. I wished her luck. Chocolatechip is surprising calm while I was a basket case. She said Theresa is a good driver and had a GPS app on her phone. They will not get lost. We are both glad Theresa is stepping up to the plate.

I had a very bad night because of no sleeping. But I’m above the dirt. I’m  going to have a good day. Key to having a good day is to think positive. So I’m not going to bitch about the nursing home. Remember:

1. I  live in a clean, safe environment.
2. I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of the home.
3. I have plenty of books to read.
4. I have phone. Wifi connection and tv 
5. I have three good meals a day
6. I have a wonderful life partner in Chocolatechip
7. I do have a S S check
8. My mind still functions

I have it pretty good. So there is no reason to feel depressed or anxious about anything. I’m going to have a good day Life is good.

10:02a.m. I had a good breakfast of toast and two omlets. I had my caffeine and oj fix as well. I did  a lot of reading after I ate. I almost finished Chapter 8 of my book but fell asleep. When I awoke I promptly had an episode. I received good care, didn’t have long to wait and the aides were nice. 

I made arrangements for someone to take me to the Coffee Social. I am looking forward to it. I need an extra jolt of caffeine after my sleepless night. I plan on reading while down there so I got to be awake. After all. I got to pass the big test on the Bill of Rights. 

I know I’m not at West Liberty. Sometimes I like to think I am though. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and undo all the stupid crap I did. I might not have made it through college but I would have tried my best. I would not have so easily given up and that is what I regret the most.

No use thinking and dwelling on the past. What is done is done. My life is over. All I have to look forward to ix talking to Chocolatechip and reading my books. Here I go. So much for being positive.

12:4$p.m. I went to the Social. I didn’t have a very good time because I got very depressed and paranoid. I kepi thinking inking people in the kitchen talking about me.Now I can’t hear but I can hear people talk about me and not in a nice way. Ok so I guess I am a schizophrenic nut case.

I was really upset. I almost broke down and cried. I was worried about Chocolatechip. I was worried about going completely insane. I don’t like thinking every one is talking about me or hates me. I just can’t help thinking this way at times.  Despite this I stayed although I desperately wanted to get back to me room.

Chocolatechip ‘s testing lasted from 8:15-12:15 I called her cell when I got back to my room. No answer.  I’ve been worried about her all morning. I hope to God they do not find anything seriously wrong. I kept thinking something really bad is about to happen. These thoughts added to my depressed state.

Being very depressed didn’t stop me from eating. I had a huge and very delicious lunch.i also had two donuts and two coffees. I’m stuffed to the gills. I always feel better after pigging out on food and today was no exception. They got me back to my room after I ate

I did manage to read a little bit in my book I finished Chapter 8. I’m going to try and chill then read two more chapters. I hope to finish this book by Saturday.

6:27p.m. Chocolatechip is home. She got home very early in the afternoon. We chatted about the testing for a long time. It did last four hours and parts were very difficult. She talked about the trip to Morgantown. She said it was good to get out jof the Valley But they had the wrong address. Still they got to the appointment on time. She will not know the results until she sees her doctor. Well the Morgantown  is history.

We talked from one to two. I ended up sleeping in my wheelchair for a couple hours.. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I slept until four. I sat in my chair and just tried to chill and defuse. I called Chocolatechip. We talked about her trip. She was impressed with Morgantown . WVU in located there and she said the place was amazing. I guess after Weirton and Follansbee it would seem like a big city.

I talked about my experience at the social. I said I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. This no doubt caused a bad depressive and paranoia episode. I said the staff was nice. I Chocolatechip how I got a nice hug frome one of the ladies. That and a good meal made me feel a bit better.

We talked until they served supper. I had two BBQ pork sandwiches and a cup of fruit. I wasn’t too hungry. I was too damned tired to eat. Called Chocolatechip after I ate. She had been up since midnight and was tired herself. We both had a grueling day but we talked for a half hour. Then she called it a night.

I’d like to go to bed myself. I’ve been in this wheelchair for thirteen hours.  I only had two hrs sleep out of the lasts twenty -four hrs I’m spent. But I’ll be lucky if I get to bed at nine tonight.