Thursday 11/23/23

12:43a.m. I have been up all night. I tried and tried to get some sleep. It just didn’t happen. I have been laying in bed feeling very, very depressed. What is making me depressed? Being stuck in this blasted nursing home is what’s making me depressed. I’m depressed because of having severe incontinence episodes all the time ,arthritis pain, muscle spasms and not being able to walk. I’m depressed because I have depression and been diagnosed with schizophrenia I’m depressed d over all the stupid things I did in my life and that I never did amount to a hill of beans. I’m depressed about everything that’s wrong and I was wishing it would be over soon. 

I have no friends except for Chococolatechip. I’m estranged from remaining family members. I will have no visitors today. I kept thinking am I such a horrible person? I must be I must be one lousy excuse of a man. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think.All I do know is when I do die I will go to hell for my sins. This fear of death is the only thing that keeps me going. 

5:42a.m.  I finially got some sleep in the wee  hours of the morning. The rest did me a world of good. I look back at what I wrote earlier. I must of been in a very bad place. Thank God the depressive mood passed. I was very scared while in that state.  But I’m feeling better thanks to sleep.

I’m in my wheelchair now. The aide came in at 5:30. She cleaned me up and got me dressed and in my wheelchair I can’t complain about the care I received. In fact, care was consistent through the night. Aides came in two or three times to change my briefs. 

9:36a.m. I had a sweet roll for breakfast. I couldn’t eat the scrambled eggs and  oatmeal cereal for fear of getting sick. As long as I eat something they might put me down a poor eater but I won’t be put on tube feeding. So said Chococolatechip  who worked in a nursing home as an LPN. I will try to eat as much as I can but I have to force down every bite. 

I talked to Chococolatechip about my depressive episode. She said I need to stop beating myself up. In fact I have reached out to my family many times. I need to move on because I did everything possible to make amends. It will not change anything to wallow in grief and self pity. I agreed with her 100% I felt a lot better after our talk.

I am at the Coffee Social now. I had my first cup. Chococolatechip and coffee is making me forget about my problems.