Thursday 1/27/22

5:51am. Talked with a man from PT yesterday. He asked me a bunch of questions and had me  ove my arms around. Then he asked about my pain level on a scale of one to ten I said a ten. He said if it is that bad I’ll have to go to the hospital. I then rated it as a five.

Well. I’m up and in my wheelchair. I’m doing a bit better. Pain is down to a three. I slept pretty good last night.ibut I still feel tired. I wish I was back in bed.  I had a touch of diahrhea yesterday. They gave me some meds for it. I’m ok now. Incontinence seems to be bad. I already had one accident.

So much for my health report.i was thinking . Whenever I have a bad night I go to pot the next day. This was true yesterday. I was in so much pain yesterday I wanted to cut off my leg. Now that I’m in my wheelchair pain is bearable. I guess the answer is to stay out of bed amap.

In any case I’m alive. I might not be kicking but I’m above the dirt. I’m blessed with another day.

7:26am I just ate my breakfast. It was ok I had a sweet roll with eggs and cheese on it. I couldn’t eat the hot cereal. I had coffee and a glass of oj for drinks. Feel somewhat better after eating breakfast.

I was sleeping in my chair when they brought in the tray. I was awakened from a very weird dream. I don’t want to talk about this dream.  It very embarrassing to  talk about. I had another dream where I was with my nephue. We were at this lake. He threw a ball across the lake. I jumped in the water and swam across it trying to catch the ball. I never did catch it and after I got back I kissed my nephue. This is weird shit for me.

I am waiting for pt at nine. I’m getting a bit anxious. I’m wondering how it is going to play out. I have mixed feelings about going down there. I’ m afraid it will hurt like hell and I will scream out in pain. I’m afraid of being around people and smelling like urine. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, which is my room. . Got to put a check on this before it gets out of hand.

I called Chocolatechip but no answer. She is probably still in bed. Sometimes she gets up early. This is when she does her housework. Still, I worry a bit when I can’t get in touch with her. I had think something bad has happened to her because she is living in that crazy high rise. She is probably ok.

Despite my best efforts I am awake thanks to coffee. Wish I had something to do or a place to go. When I had a car and lived alone I’d get up for breakfast and go to Eat n Park. Then I would drive to Pittsburgh and visit my favorite book store, Barnes and Noble.. They wouldn’t you brouse to your heart’s content. I always came home with a shit load of books. I kind of miss those days.

I have a Nook App on my tablet. I have access to the online bookstore. I can look all I want. It is like having your own personal bookstore. Best part about it is I don’ have to worry about a clerk looking over your shoulder. Also, I can do all this in the comfort of my own room.

But it would still be nice to visit a real bookstore. There is nothing like the touch and feel of a real book. Real books have one major advantage. If you get to a good part in the story you don’t have to worry about the battery running down. You just can’t beat a real book.

8:47am I just finished talking to Chocolatechip. She is ok despite having a bad night. She said somebody knocked on her door around eleven last night. It was just some asshole giving you a hard time I said. She agreed and said she had insomnia . She was up at seven. I said I was sorry you had a bad night. She said she was ok. Well at least she is above the dirt.

Waiting for pt to show up.

Well, it is nine and no physical therapy. That’s ok I it’s not like I have anything important to do or go anywhere. He will no doubt show up sometime today. I’m kind of glad he didn’t show I don’t know w. I’m a creature of habit and just don’t like changes in my day. I know PT is important I got to use those muscles and or I will get worse. I really don’t mind doing it after stepping out of my comfort zone.

11:03am I had my physical therapy session. I cannot move either legs but he had me going for a walk. I slid my legs down the hall. I didn’t go very far. I think I went three doors down. Even then I had to stop and rest a few times because I was getting short of breathe and unsteady. Felt so bad for doing a shitty job. He said I did great. We got to get those legs moving again and will see me tomorrow.

I was also indulging in my favorite activity besides reading. I was looking at books. I found four more books I’d like to buy next month. These are:

R. B. Bernstein

• The Founding Fathers Reconsidered.                                               $13.49
• The Education of John Adams                                                            $12.99
• Thomas Jefferson.                                                                                 $13.99

David o Stewart

George Washington.                                                                              $14.99

That is another $55.45 on book. My total expenditure on books will be over $120 something.

I have a Nook App on my tablet. It is like having your own bookstore. I can look at books all day if I want. Also I don’t have to worry about a clerk getting mad for reading the books. If I want to buy a book I can then download it onto my tablet.i think it is the coolest thing that I can buy books at home and they will be instantly available.

But I miss the real books. When I was by myself and had a car I would drive to Pittsburgh and visit my favorite bookstore, Barnes & Noble. That store was so huge you could get lost in it. There is nothing in the world like the sight, smell and touch of a new book. I couldn’t help myself but I always ended up spending a small fortune on books. I miss going to a real bookstore.

Oh well I have my tablet and my Nook app. It is almost as good as the real thing.  It gives me access to books and that is good since I don’t have a car. I love this tablet.

They will be serving lunch soon. I’m having one of my favorites. I’m having need lasagna with a tossed salad, garlic bread and spiced pears for desert. Then I hope to have a fruit punch and hot coffee for lunch. I have a pretty good appetit today so I’ll probably eat it all.

4:35pm I’m feeling very relaxed and at ease with myself. I always get that way from a good book. Also having a good lunch helped. I had cheese lasagna.it was delicious. I even ate the salad. My belly is full

I’ve been reading since lunch. I’m almost finished with The Target by David Baldacci. I got about the eighty pages to go. I hope to finish it tonight. I promise I will not stay up all night reading. But I will read amap.

I’m going to have a good supper. I’m having an Italian sub sandwich, corn chowder, coleslaw and cookies for desert. I hope to have my hot coffee and fruit punch. I’m still pretty full from lunch and wonder if I’ll eat supper even though the food is good

I talked with Chocolatechip. She got some good financial news. She said that she will get a refund from Ameri Mart for one of her purchases I think it was for $28.00 something. She also got one of het purchases in the mail. She is real pleased and I’m rather happy for her. Despite not sleeping Chocolatechip is having a good day.

I was talking about my physical therapy session. I said I think I they are trying to rehabilitate me. But I think it is a lost cause. She agreed with me. I talked to her about how hard it was for me to walk that little distance I said I can’t move my legs at all. A man and woman had to grab hold of me. I told her I felt very discouraged about walking again.

They are passing out dinner trays. My roommate already got his supper. I could use a cup of coffee so I hope I get mine soon. But that won’t be until around six waitinandg for meals is the longest part of the day.

Well,I guess I will go back to my book until dinner

7:55pm I surprised myself by eating all my supper. It was good. I talked with Chocolatechip. She said she was deleating members of the Bitch Clique from her friends list . We went on and on about that group of women who give her a hard time. I keep telling her they are not worth an ounce of you pee. I also say you are a class act and they are a bunch of catty bitches.

We talked about different things on the phone and messenger I talked about finding more books to buy. I also talked about the current book I was reading. I mentioned how much I enjoyed reading it’s. I am almost finished with it I said and I hope to finish it tonight. She asked what’s next. I said I am not sure.

We talked about different things. Then she was getting sleepy and decided to call it a night. I am hoping I can go to bed h early. I’ve been in this wheelchair since five. That is fifteen hrs too long..

I really am not sure what I will read next. I own five of the Will Robie series. I already read The Guilty and End Game. I don’t know to read these books over again or start on something else. I’m leaning towards a three volume book on American history called The American Experiment by James Macgregor Burnes. I started this last month but was too sick to read anything heavy. Then again I will miss the adventure of Will Robie and Jessica Reel.

Well, it is 8:30pm. I would love to go to bed now. I’m tired and can’t concentrate on my book I’m afraid I won’t be able to finish it tonight. Oh well it isn’t like I’m on a deadline. I have forty pages to go I can always finish it tomorrow.

10:40pm I finished The Target by David Baldacci. It had a surprise ending I’m  going to start reading Vineyard of Liberty by James MacGregor Burnes. This is the first volume in The American Experiement series. This ought to be another great book.

The aids came to put me to bed by 9:30. This is a decent hour. But I’m not sleepy. I hope I’m not up all night again. I’m afraid I’m anxious worried about everything. Please let me sleep tonight.  I don’t want to go to pot tomorrow and have to stay in bed all day.

It seems I cannot stay on an even keel. I have one good day then a bad night and a horrible day after. But I have racing thoughts. Right now I’m thinking about all the books I want to buy next month. I’m thinking about that tablet I’m going to buy. All of this shit is running  through my head over and aver again. It is slowly  making me very anxious.

I can tell I’m going to have a shitty night. This will lead to a shitty tomorrow. Then I will crash and sleep all day. I will have one normal day and then the cycle repeats itself. This is a hell of a way to live.

Somehow I must get this shit out of my head. I seem powerless to stop it. The harder I tru to stop it the worse these thoughts get.  It is like going through a roller coaster of emotions. that are uncontrollable. Is this what it feels like to go crazy?

Well I’m going to turn off the tablet and forget about it for eawhile.