Thursday 1/26/23

5:47a.m. I got to bed at 11:30 last night. I had some very strange dreams. In one dream I was a rookie detective investigating a very rich and powerful business man This guy owned an office building. My partner and I had to go to the top floor. People in the bldg were not cooperating. The elevator doors werebroken. We had to climb the stairs. In the meantime the man fled.

We looked everywhere for him. We went from high society to the dress of humanity. I rember where we were walkin down this one street. All kinds of people were loitering on the sidewalk. We were approached by bums and dealers .there were others standing next to houses getting stoned.

Then the aides got me out of bed. I feel fairly decent today. Despite the dreams I slept well. I didn’t experience too much arthritis pain. I got the care I needed so I was not lying in urine. I could use a cup of coffee now but that will have to wait.

I am so proud of myself. I had a good day yesterday. I stayed awake yesterday afternoon. I read two chapters in my book. I did not dwell on the breakup. I focused on positive thoughts and reading goals. I made it one day. I can do it again today!

7:46a.m. I left a message for Chocolatechip to contact me on Messenger. I said I will always love and care for you. I only hope she takes me up on the offer. I also had breakfast of two coffees, toast, scrambled eggs and oatmeal. Breakfast cheered me up some. I keep telling myself I’m going to have a good day.Nothing is bringing me down imtoday.

After all I have a lot to be thankful for:

Roof over my head.
Insurance coverage that pays for the nursing home
SSI and Social Security check
Three good eals a day
Lots of books to read
Phone. Internet and cable
Mind is fairly sharp
Im living in a clean, safe environment
Wonderful memories of Chocolatechip

So I have a lot of positives to focus on.

9:41a.m I just got a nasty message from Chocolatechip. She said I can basically go F myself and have fun with my. new girlfriend. She also said consider myself blocked. it I do not respond now. I did respond. I said I was sleeping. She was the one who did not respond. Hell with her!

“Nothing is going to get me down today!” This is my mantra. I have a choice. I can let myself get depressed. Or, I can choo to go about my business. I choose to go about my business. Frankly, I wasted enough tears over this breakup. It is over I and past time to move on. After all this will not kill me. It will only make me stronger!

I need a new phone. Somehow I my phone jack is missing. I have been trying to tell them this.i tried to talk to the social worker . She was at a meeting. I told an aide about this. She said she will tell someone. I hope I can get this resolved soon .

10:38a.m. I talked with the SW. She is will call maintenance about the phone. I told her about the breakup. She asked if there was anything we can do. I said nothing at this point. She said I need to concentrate on my own health and get better. I agree with that.

I hate to just write her off but what choice do I have. I reached out to her and she basically said go fuck myself. This is getting to be a deadj horse. The relationship is over. It’s not my choice. It is hers. I have no other choice but to move on.

This isn’t the first trip around the block. I got through a bad divorce and subsequent breakups. I survived. I will survive this one. And I will not let her immature response bring me down. I wasted enough time on this subject All I can say now is move on.

12:08p.m. I fell asleep for awhile. I woke up to find a cup of coffee and lunch drinks on my table. Coffee and a fruit punch sure did hit the spot. They are serving tomato meat sauce, veggies, a dinner roll and chocolate cake. This will be good and I can’t wait.

I hope I can stay up and read this afternoon I read two chapters yesterday. I’d like jread two more chapters today. I’m enjoying my latest history book From Colony to Super Power. It is part of the Oxford History of the United States series. These are , without a doubt, the best books on U.S. history I ever read.

Other than being hungry I’m having a good day so far. Life is good.?

1:38p.m. Lunch was pretty go oof.Also, it is getting close to the end of the month. I’ve been lurking on Amazon looking at books. Here is what I found so far:

Democratic Justice: Felix Frankfurter,the Supreme Court and the Making of she liberal Establishment. $33.46
Indivisible: Daniel Webster and the Birth of American Nationalism by Noel Richard Paul. $27
The Virginia Dynasty: Four Presidents and the Creation of the American Nation by Lynne Cheney. $21.98
James Madison: A life Reconsidered by Lynne Cheney. $24.48
The Dark Tower Boxed Set by Stephen King. $98.99

It looks like one of these books must go. I will buy The Dark Tower Boxed Set in March.

5:05p.m. I couldn’t read this afternoon. I kept thinking about Chocolatechip. I just cannot get past this. I don’t really want to move on. God help me I still love her. I always will love her. I was going fairly well until we chatted for awhile. I started to get depressed after we finished. Then I got sleepy and fell asleep.

So much for having two good days in a row. I Feel very depressed right now. I hope coffee and dinner cheers me up. They will be serving supper soon. According to the menu, I’m having beef barley soup, tuna salad sandwich and deviled egg potato salad. For desert I’m having Mandarin oranges. A good meal always cheers me up.

6:08p.m. I haven’t heard from her. I left a message at 4:30 I hope she responds tonight but she probably won’t. Super lifted my spirits a little bit but I still feel very down. Try as I might I don’t think I will ever get over this breakup

This was another wasted day. I could have been reading. Instead I chose to wallow in grief, self- potty and remorse. I started to think very irrational thought. I chose to think this way. Consequently, I had very bad feelings that made me depressed. I started out good. But my overall mood went south in a hurry. Hell with it. Hell with it all!

7:21p.m. it looks like I’m not going to be able to read tonight. I just can’t concentrate because too much shit is going on in my head. I got very depressed today and can’t snap out of it. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Not even supper cheered me u