Sunday 9/4/22

12:05am I did a lot of reading. I read Chapter 8 “Counter Revolution Of 1861.” It was about the Southern reaction to the election is of Abraham Lincoln, secession and the start of the Civil War. The Civil War is my favorite period in U.S. history. Battle Cry of Freedom:The Civil War Era is one of the best books on the subject. So I had a very enjoyable evening.

I rang the call light around 11:00. Aide said give me forty minutes. So far she is a no show. I’ve been in my wheelchair since 5:00am. That is a little over 19 hrs. I’m kind of tired and mad. I’m not only tired but I desperately need my briefs changed. I’ve been sitting in urine for over an hour.

Other than being mad, tired and soaked I feel good. I feel good I accomplished a couple things today plus I showed will power in not buying books. It has been a rollercoaster type of day with rapid mood swings. But still I managed to do something positive such as organize my library and complete a reading goal. So Saturday was good.

It is now 90 minutes since ringing the call light. But I’m not going to let this upset me. I really did have a good day so why should it end on a bad note?

4:42am I’m in my wheelchair already. I had a good night with no weird dreams. Pain level was at a one. As usual I had a few incontinence episodes. But I didn’t get very good care. Consequently, I was soaked when they woke me.

I’m in a good mood despite not getting a lot of sleep. I’m above the dirt and that is the main thing. I do not feel depressed or anxious I’m not experiencing too much arthritis pain. I’m not having incontinence episodes. This is going to be a good day!

I think a good attitude first thing in the mornng determines the type of day you have. If you wake up feeling rested and positive this feeling will last. If you wake up feeling shitty this feeling will last. At least this has been my experience. So I do my best to keep it positive

This is easier said than done. It is hard to “feel good” on four hours sleep. It it is hard to stay positive when you are in chronic pain, confined to a wheelchair or peeing yourself all the time. Still there are people in this nursing home who are in worse shape. At least I’m fairly with it.

I still have it pretty good despite my physical limitations Remember:

I live in a clean, safe place
I have three good meals a day
I have phone. Internet and TV connection
My mind is functioning
I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of the nursing home
I have plenty of books to read
I have a small SSI and SS check
Most important I have Chocolatechip who is the best thing that ever happened to me

So life is still pretty awesome. I’m very lucky and it is great to be alive! I only wish I had some coffee right now.

So today is going to be a good day!

6:32pm Today turned out shitty. I was very depressed most of the time I was awake. I call Chocolatechip then fall asleep on the phone. In fact I slept away most of the day.

So much for starting off with a positive attitude. I think my positive attitude lastedu for a ot two minutes. I started to get so sleepy and tired. Then my mood went downhill. I soon felt like day old road kill. I just wanted to crawl back in my hole and stay there for the duration.

I was thinking here I am 71 years old and feeling this bad. I was wondeeering how I will feel ten years from now. That is if I’m alive ten years from now. If I feel like road kill now at 71 what will I feel like at 81? When I think like this I will only get worse and worse. Is living such a long life with dealing with constant pain and illness?

This was probably depression speaking. But sometimes I think an early death is better. At least the pains and suffering of this life will be over. But what scares me is that we do not know for sure what awaits us beyond the final curtain. This fear of the unknown keeps me going. I would rather go through a million shitty days than cross over that realm from which no one returns.

Tomorrow will be a better day. One thing I’m looking forward to is the new Stephen King book, Fairy Tale.It is coming out on the 6th I have Battle Cry of Freedom to finish. I have more than ninety some books in my Kindle library. These books will be enough to keep me going