Sunday 9/29/24

4:35a.m. I’m above the dirt. I fell asleep early last night so I didn’t read. Again I had two very weird crossdressing dreams and fights with my parents. They they were going to a wedding in Florida. I was dressed as a woman in my dream. I was fighting with them about driving all the way to Florida. I didn’t want to go with them. But somehow I ended up in Florida at the wedding still dressed as a woman. I swear I don’t know where these dreams come from.

I was up by 1:00. Sleep was intermittent after that. I remember laying in urine and feces for a long time. I had the call light on but nobody answered it until 4:00. The aides were not very friendly but they did their job. I’m dressed and in my wheelchair now. Again I peed myself after they left. I just cannot win.

6:14 a.m. I’m not having a good day. First, I fell asleep in my wheelchair. I woke up at freezing my butt off. One of the aides either opened the window or turned on the a/c. I went to the nurse’s station to complain They were nice enough to turn off the air. In the meantime the oxygen tubing gets tangled in my wheelchair. They were fixing it when another aide yells at me for not using the concentrator. We got into it a little bit. Everything is ok now but I hate having these confrontations.

7:04a.m. I managed to calm myself after that little spat with the aide. I hate fighting with people. I went through enough yelling and screaming when I was married. I made a solemn vow after the divorce never to raise my voice again.

I just ate a good breakfast. They served scrambled eggs, bacon, a coffee cake and oatmeal cereal. It was delicious and I ate it all.

10:41a.m. I’m having a good day now. I went to the Fiesta Room at 9:00 for the coffee social. They were a bit late and I fell asleep in my wheelchair. When I woke up I found two cups on my table. I promptly peed myself after I hadi my coffee. Then I made my way back to my room. Two nice aides changed my briefs.

I talked with Chocolatechip. She is having a busy morning. In addition to her usual chores the major project is cleaning the bathroom. She also finalized her budget for October. Chocolatechip has enough money for a winter coat and a bus pass. She might go shopping for one at Walmart tomorrow. She is also going to order from Dominos today. I said people will think you have a sugar daddy.

I have today’s menu. For lunch they are serving roast pork, green beans with onions, a baked potato,a dinner roll and cinnamon cheesecake. For dinner I’m having tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwiches, potato wedges and sliced pears. I’m very lucky to have three meals a day.

12:52p.m. I made it back to the Fiesta Room for lunch. Lunch was delicious. I had yet another coffee with my meal. I will he flying high this afternoon. After I ate I made my way back to my room. I called Chocolatechip She ordered a sub and a salad from Dominos Pizza. She said the sub was great.. We both had something good to eat today.

I’m soaked again. I’m ready to be put back in bed. I’ve been sitting on this hoyer pad for nine hours. It is starting to hurt. . I also need my briefs changed. Again I won’t be able to get help because the aides are taking care of lunch trays. This nursing home definitely needs to hire floats.

I would love to read this afternoon. But I just cannot concentrate while sitting in urine and feces. I challenge anyone to try and read while in this condition .  What makes me mad is not getting the help when I need it. Peeing and pooping yourself is bad enough. It is humiliating when you have to sit in it. No wonder I can’t read during the day.

2:26p.m. I’m finially in bed. I had yet another run in with an aide. But she put me in bed, undressed me,cleaned me up and changed my briefs. She did a good job. The run in was my fault this time. I was mistaken when the last time I was changed. I’m bad. Anyways I’m all cleaned up and dry for now. After ten hours it sure feels good to be off that hoyer pad. Now hopefully I can read my book.

3:14p.m. I still can’t concentrate. I keep thinking about that aide The more I think about it the more I think her reaction was unnecessary. The entire incident was was unnecessary. All they had to do was answer the damned call light. Why is it I cannot get basic care unless I go into WWIII? I get tired of this shit. I feel I have to suck up to people to get them to do their job. It isn’t right. I guess I am fuming a bit but who could blame me? The care in this place sucks.

I called Chocolatechip after they put me in bed. She was on the phone with her sister Elaine. Elaine wants to come up tomorrow at noon. Chocolatechip had a telemed conference with CMP at 11:00. So she is going to have a busy day. Fortunately these conferences do not last that long. She will have time for Elaine’s visit. They will go out shopping at least Walmart and have lunch at Bob Evans. I was thinking this sounds like fun. I wish I could go with them.

This is completely off the subject. I get so damned lonesome in this place. I have no friends here and nobody to talk with. My so called family doesn’t call or visit. They don’t give a shit. I have my books and thank God for that. But I would love to sit with and talk to someone at the coffee social and during lunch. Loneliness is another thing I have to contend with . This and shitty attitudes from the aides can quickly bring me down.

4:46p.m. I’ve been laying in bed waiting for supper. I’m not very crazy about their tomato soup. But I like the grilled cheese sandwiches. They usually give me two . That and the potato wedges are enough. I had a big lunch but I’m getting hungry again. Besides I love grilled cheese sandwiches. Chocolatechip makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches in the world. I’ll never forget her sandwiches.

I was also talking with Chocolatechip. We talked about different things for almost an hour. I love talking with her. I swear she is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole stupid life. I love that woman.

6:22p.m. I ate the sandwiches, potato wedges and pears. That was enough to fill me up. The grilled cheese sandwiches were good. But they cannot touch Chocolatechip’s grilled cheese sandwiches. Supper was late so she had gone to bed. I still called to leave a message. I wished her goodnight and said I will

always love her.

I hope my night will be better. I would love to read for a few hours. Of course I’m drenched in urine right now. But I’m not letting that stop me. I’m determined to read all of Kissinger’s memoirs if it is the last thing I do.

7:31p.m. I read for an hour. But I desperately need changed. I can’t concentrate while I’m soaked. But I’m determined to conurnti