Sunday 1/22/23

7:54a.m. I had a bad night thanks to another nightmare with my “dream” mother. I don’t remember the details of this dream. I will say there’s was a lot of yelling and cussing I was calling her every cussword in the book. I blamed her for being impotent and all my other problems. I was glad when the aide came to wake me up at 4:30. 

This dream made me feel very bad and depressed. I fell asleep in my wheelchair and slept until breakfast. Breakfast cheered me up some but I still felt like shit because of that damned dream.

Well, I’m up and above the dirt. I should feel blessed but I don’t. I feel like shit on a half shell.

 12:19p.m. I slept most of the morning away with no dreams. I was awakened when they served coffee and drinks for lunch. I had two cups of coffee. I feel much better thanks to caffeine and a sound sleep.

1:14p.m. I had two slices of baked pork with gravy, baked potato, peas, dinner roll and a slice of pumpkin pie. It was delicious and I feel so much better 

Mood is stable. I saw her diary a little bit a go. She mentioned her Steubenville friend. What she said didn’t hurt me. I am getting over this shit . It is getting to be a dead issue? It is time to move on. In short, hell with her!

I’m going to try and stay up. I’d like to get back to reading The New York Times. I also have my new book From Colony to Super Power: U.S. Foreign Relations Since 1776 by George C Herring. I’d rather be reading instead f mooning over a lost love. 

3:16p.m. I am having a good afternoon. I have been reading Fromage Colony to Super Power: U.S. Foreign Relations Since 1776 by George C Herring. I was reading about the negotiations that ended the American Revolution. Then I was interrupted by an aide who gave me a nice shower. So I feel pretty good right now.

I hope to read/ listen until I finish my Chapter. This should take about an hour. Then I want to look at the paper. I haven’t kept up with the news. It is past time I start up again. I besides something tells me there is a big story out there to follow

 4:52p.m. I sort of fell asleep for an hour. I am having three cheese pizza for the main entree. I can’t wait. I love pizza and could eat it every night.

I wanted to read this afternoon but just got too sleepy.. Oh well, I can pick up my book again after I eat. I did manage to look at the headlines. There isn’t much going on. I did see where Biden is in trouble over misplaced classified documents. But I didn’t read the full story. I soon fell asleep.

Drinks are here. I can use the coffee. 

5:42p.m. I read another entry of hers. I definitely need to stop doing this because I’m beginning to k feel like a voyeur. It doesn’t do me any good except open fresh wounds. I need to just forget about her. But is is so hard after a nearly a seventeen year relationship. It is almost impossible to shut down these feelings.? 

How do you go about going from loving someone with your heart and soul to completely writing them off? I go back and forth on this issue several times a day. It keeps going round and round in my head until it is driving me crazy. I know for my own mental health I should let it go. But I still love her. Part of me will always love her. That is why I’m hurting so much. 

Well, I just had supper. I had ricotta cheese pizza instead ,along with salad and carrots. I had a cup of pears for desert.

I said enough about the breakup today. I’m going to try and focus on my book tonight. I want to finish the first chapter. 

7:05p.m. I can’t seem to get into my book tonight. Oh well , I’m not at West Liberty. I feel a bit bloated from the pizza. Also, I am thinking about Chocolatechip. I miss her. I miss not having somebody to talk with. She has her Steubenville friend. I have nobody.

Try as I might I can’t get her out of my head tonight. Hence, I cannot concentrate on my book. It sucks  because I would rather be reading. But I can’t think about anything but Her! and how lonely I am. I can’t help but think I must of been a real asshole. I’m 71 years old and have zero friends or family. All I had was Chocolatechip. 

I know this is depression speaking big time. But knowing and doing something about it are two different things. I feel powerless to change. I think I would like to lie down in bed and never get up.  How can I concentrate on a stupid book with all this shit going on?

8:14p.m. I just had my nightly pbj and my meds. The aide is putting my roommate to bed. I’m too wired up for that. Also. I read another of her entries. I was sort of blasted for staying in this nursing home take after the shitty care I get.  I guess she has a point.

I should not have looked at her entry. This is yet another thing that will keep me up tonight. With all this shit in my mind I think I’m ready for a mental hospital..

This had been a shitty day. I woke up feeling like crap. I’m going to bed feeling like crap.