Saturday 3/5/22

7:48am I had a great day Friday after dealing with Capitol One.  I don’t know what hit me but I felt I was on a high. Buying shit online is what did it. I always get a rush when I buy things from Amazon and B&N. Not only that but I bought the tablet, most of the books I wanted and still have more than enough for the nursing home. It all worked out in my favor. It all felt like a ten ton weight was lifted from my shoulder.

I did a lot of reading Friday. I managed to read one chapter in Crosswinds of Freedom by James MacGregor Burns. I also had a nice chat session with Chocolatechip. She talked about her outing with her sister. They had a successful shopping trip and ate at a new restaurant on Three Springs Drive. She said she had a great day . I was glad to hear that.

I read some more in the evening. But I got tired and had to quit. I wanted to start on another chapter but was afraid I couldn’t finish it. I hate starting in the middle of the chapter the next day because I can’t remember what t read the night before. So I spent my time playing Solitaire and chess. I actually won two chess games in a row. Then the aid came to put me to bed around ten at night.

I didn’t have a very good night. Arthritis pain was bad and incontinence episodes kept me up. Then I had some God awful nightmares. I woke up screaming a couple of times. Aid got me up early, around 5:30. About all I can say for my night is I’m above the dirt.

I slept in my wheelchair until breakfast. I had toast, scrambled eggs and hot cereal. I had two cups of hot coffee and a glass of oj. I enjoyed my meal and breakfast was pretty good;it got me fully awake.

I called Chocolatechip after I ate. I had a a hard time hearing her. I think she someone nocked on her door last night. She was tired from her outing but couldn’t get back to sleep. We didn’t have much to say because I just could not hear her.  So we cut our phone conversation short.

I feel fairly good right now. Arthritis pain is down to a one. My mood is sable and more than upbeat. I had a few incontinence episodes but that is par for the course. I had a good breakfast and the coffee was hot. I cannot think of a single thing to complain about. Life is good.

11:13am I started out feeling great. I thought I was going to have another great day. Then, all of a sudden, I felt like crap. I was feeling fairly energetic after breakfast. Then, all of a sudden, I felt so tired and lethargic. I do not know or understand what hit me. Yesterday I was running on high all afternoon. Today I crashed big time.

I wonder if I have Bipolar depression. It seems I exhibit a lot of its symptoms. Take yesterday for example when I was buying all those damned books and a new tablet. I was going crazy spending money. Reckless behavior is one symptom of bipolar depressive disorder. I think now that I sure as heck was careless with my money Today all those books seemed like a good investment. Today they seem like a waste because I probably won’t read half of them.

I started to think about this and got very, very depressed. Used to be so frugal with my money. Then I made a mistake of getting a tablet and a credit card. I had easy access to my major weakness,books. I soon got way over my head in debt. Thinking about this made me very depressed and tired. I felt like a complete failure because I never will be able to pay it off.

I thought about all the money I owe Capitol One. I really got down. I can’t believe I can be so stupid. But I am am stupid. It is hard for me to resist the lure of a good book. Then they make it so frigging easy just a couple taps on your tablet and you’re in debt up to your eyeballs. Still, that is no excuse. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to buy all those books. I’m an adult and am responsible for my own behavior. Boy did I ever make a mess of things.

I’m not broke. I have the rent money. I may spend my money but I always make sure I have the rent paid. I always paid Comcast and made sure I had food for the month when I lived on my own. I always thought I was a responsible adult. But now this mania for tablets and books is taking on a life of its own. I am rapidly losing control over this obsession.

1:04pm I just finished lunch. I had road turkey, potatoes, mixed veggies, a dinner roll and jello for desert. I had a glass of fruit punch and a cup of very cold coffee. I drank it anyway. I feel somewhat better but am still down.

One other thing is bothering me. I had a lot of incontinence episodes this morning. I think I had three or four. In any case I was soaked in urine and got pee on the floor. I rang the call light. Aids would come by and turn it off then go on their merry way without saying a word. Three or four aids have pulled this shit. I finally got some assistance towards noon. In the meantime I was sitting in urine all morning. I was one miserable old fart.

So I didn’t have a good morning after all. I was beating myself up over reckless spending. I was sitting in urine half the time soaked to the gills. No wonder I got very depressed. But I’m feeling better now.