Monday 9/2/24

1:43p.m. I had terrible nightmares last night. In one dream I knocked over the table. I woke up screaming “help, help!” I had another dream where I was driving through downtown Steubenville late at night. It was all being demolished. I was looking for the old Paramount movie theater. But it was torn down. The whole block was demolished. In its place they were building a new mill.

I had another dream where I was taking an Accounting test. I had to save this equation I couldn’t finish the test in time because I didn’t know the answers to the equation. I think had three more questions to go but ran out of time. I didn’t turn in the test but asked the instructor if I could finish it tomorrow. He said no I ended up flunking the class.

I had other dreams as well. In one dream I got in an argument with my father. He was yelling at me because he didn’t like how I kept my room. There was trash on the floor . We got into a shouting match after he called me a lazy slob.

So I didn’t sleep very well. I was up for good by 7:30. . They served a breakfast I didn’t eat. Then I fell back to sleep. I was up and down all morning. I was also laying in urine until the aides got me dressed and in my wheelchair. Then I fell asleep again and slept until almost lunch time.

They served ham and pinto beans, spinach, corn bread and orange sherbert. I actually ate the ham and pinto beans. I must of been hungry because I can’t stand that shit. I found it really didn’t taste that bad. I didn’t eat the spinach though . I’ll really have to be hungry for that.

I called Chocolatechip after I ate. We had a nice talk. She did a lot of laundry this morning. She washed two large loads. Then she talked about her plans for tomorrow. She is going to take the bus downtown. She desperately needs groceries so a trip to the Dollar Tree is in order. I talked a little bit about Kamala Harris and her book The Truths We Hold:An American Journey. I finished reading the first chapter last night. I also said I’m voting for Harris in November. We talked for about an hour.

I hope I can stay up and read this afternoon. I should be able to after the lunch I ate . The coffee was also nice and hot. So I guess I’m good to go .

4:55p.m. The aides put me in bed around 3:00. I’ve been reading my book The Truths We Hold by Kamala Harris. The more I learn about her the more I think she will make a great President if elected. I was reading about how she won an election for DA in San Francisco. She started a program to help first time offenders improve their lives so they can stay out of prison. She also improved helped families of murder victims seek justice I think she did eight years then ran for Attorney general of California. I was really impressed by her accomplishments.

I also talked with Chocolatechip . I talked her into going to Krogers tomorrow so she can get some real food. I said getting food is more important than paying cable. She said after downgrading her cable package she will have $277 for groceries. Chocolatechip said if she can’t live on that then something is wrong. I also tried talking her into ordering from Dominos tonight. But she fixed a grilled cheese sandwich instead.

I’m laying in bed waiting for supper. They are serving crumb topped fish fillet, seasoned peas, au gratin potatoes, a dinner roll and a frosted brownie. Supper sounds much better than lunch.

6:22p.m. I ate all of my supper. I feel a bit bloated but it will pass. I talked with Chocolatechip. They are having a Labor Day cook out at Misery Towers. She wasn’t invited. I said the hell with those people. We talked about different subjects. She went on about how things have played out. She said I bet you never would of thought you’d end up in a nursing home unable to walk and with other problems. You are right about that I said. I also said I miss Misery Towers a lot of times. She said it isn’t all that great anymore. I said neither is being in a nursing home lying I urine half the day. Bottom line is both of us don’t have it easy.

I’m soaked right now and laying in urine. Living like this is no fucking picnic. The aides are taking care of supper.trays now. It will be at least an hour before I get help. I never thought I’d be spending my old age lying in my own filth. This is no way for anyone to live.

I also been looking at books. Damn I wish I hadn’t $50 Amazon gift card. I have four books I’d like to buy this month. I need books like I need another butt hole. But I’m in a shit ass mood right now. The mere act of buying books makes me happy. It is an addiction. I freely admit I’m a book addict.If I get an Amazon gift card this month I’d like to get four books which are:

Decent Interval by Frank Snepp $26.49
In Retrospect: The Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam Robert McNamara. $14.99.
Agent Running in the Field John le Carre’ $4.99
The White House Years Henry Kissinger. $2.99

I hope I get a gift card this month. But I do not know if the nursing home is making a Walmart trip. In any case I have more than enough books to read. I dunno. When I get very depressed I just like to buy books. But this latest bout will pass and I will be ok. Damn I just wish I had money to afford my addiction.

7:50p.m. I’m getting very mad and upset. I had the damned call light on. Then aide was just in. When I told her I needed my.briegs.changed she raised her arms then left. She didn’t say damned word! I have been laying in my own filth since supper. That was two hours ago! It’s not right. There is no excuse.

I’m also starting to obsess over those books I want to buy. Dammit! I need books like I need a new butt hole. But I start thinking about shit and I can’t get it out of my head. I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD for nothing Jesus I’m a pathetic old man.

8:13p.m. Ok I’m the asshole around here. I just got changed. I hope I can defuse so I can read my book. I was very upset. It is funny. I noticed that when I get depressed or very anxious OCD rears its ugly head. I wonder if they are all somehow related. In.anycase I want to calm down so maybe the unwanted thoughts will go away. Then I can concentrate on my book and be grateful for what I do have. Life is too short Always remember:

I have a roof over my head.
I have three meals a day.
Insurance that pays for my care
Phone, cable and Internet connection
Plenty of books to read
Wonderful girlfriend in Chocolatechip
I have a tablet and a Kindle
I have clothes to wear
My mind is fairly sharp
Personnel care that isn’t the best but it is better than nothing

I can think of ten positive things in my life. Those books would be nice to have but they are not essential. I am doing just fine without them Life is good.

9:24p.m. I can’t sleep because of racing thoughts. My mind is going in a ion different directions. I peed myself again. I’m thinking about how I will have to lie in my own urine for a couple of hours. Then I just got off the phone with Chocolatechip. She was hungry and completely out of food. I was worried sick about her. Then I’m thinking about those damned books. Consequently my anxiety is through the roof. I cannot calm myself, not tonight.

I’m pathetic. For some reason I feel like a miserable scumbag. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just feel like this. Jesus oo