Friday 4/1/22

6:48am I have been in my wheelchair since 5:30. I had a couple diahrrea episodes that woke me up. I had a very nice aid who gave me a sponge bath and got me in my chair. I feel fairly good this morning and j actually had a good night’s sleep for a change. Still I was tired. I slept in my chair for awhile. I think I’m up for good. Might as well stay up because it is almost time for breakfast.

Today is the big day where I get my SS check. I’m not too anxious about it now. I get to the point where I realize that all the worrying in the world will not change anything. Excessive worring like I  do only makes me sick. I will just take care of business. Everything eventually works out in my favor

I just got my breakfast drinks. Two cups of coffee a glass of oj and chocolate milk is a great way to start the day.. I had my favorite breakfast sausage paddy with pancakes. The coffee was fairly hot. Everything was good this morning.

I feel good. Arthritis pain is minimal. I’m above the dirt and am grateful for that much. I feel wide awake because I slept good. This is going to be a great day!

9:12am I paid my credit card bill. i called the bank first. They told me I had $871.00 in checking. I then called Capitol One and put it all on my card. I should be able to use the card Monday. I’ll pay my rent to the nursing home of $481.00. then I can use the rest to buy all the fourteen books I’ve been wanting. I will still have money left overif I do not buy more books.

I called Chocolatechip this morning. She isn’t feeling well so she is not going to the bank this morning I asked what was wrong physically or emotional. She said both. We talked about it for awhile . She then said she is cancelling that procedure in Morgantown. It is a long ride down there I said that is a good idea. She also cancelled going to church this Sunday.

We talked about old times . We used to have so much fun on the first. We would get our checks at the bank then walk down to the Diner. We would have breakfast there then go shopping at Wal Mart. Her favorite place was going to the Bus Terminal for breakfast. I didn’t like it because the food was so greasy. We sure had a lot of good times together and I will never forget.

I got a bit down after talking to Chocolatechip. Here I am now stuck in this nursing home. I began missing those times we shared. I kept thinking about them and my mood suddenly dropped. I started thinking I never will get out of this place. I never will walk again. I never will be able to be independent. These thoughts made me even more depressed.

I also got to thinking about how many years I have left. I will be only 71 this June 30. This is still considered young these days. I wondered how long will I live in this nursing home. I then thought I hope not too much longer. I thought what am I really getting out of life? All I have to look forward to is Chocolatechip and books. What kind of life is this? I thought. Well, ad my dad used to say, it is better than the alternative. But sometimes I think the only real thing that keeps me going is fear of death. I keep thinking I will end up in hell and that scares the shit out of me.

I have no real answer for these thoughts. I keep saying be grateful for each day and make it count. Also read,read and do more reading. For when you are reading you are learning. When you are learning you are keeping your mind actiive and mentally fit. Learn something new each day for it fights the aging process.

11:04am I had a couple bouts of diahrrea. I felt pretty bad and humiliated. It was all over the floor.bi had a couple very nice aids though. They cleaned me up and got my room cleaned up. Still I don’t feel so good. I feel kind of drained right now, very tired. I’m beyond tired. I feel exhausted . I hate pooping myself but I cannot help it.  I think I’m ok, at least the diahrrea subsided. Just feel very tired.

I just got my menu for today. Hey are serving parmesan crusted fish, green beans garlic seasoned potatoes  a dinner roll and French orange cheesecake. For dinner I’m getting a chicken fillet sandwich, mixed veggies and fresh fruit for desert. Meals look good but something tells me I better give my stomach a rest. I don’t feel so good.

So this morning started out great. But it soon went downhill. I got a bout of depression. Then I had trouble with diahrrea all morning.u tThis made the depression worse. I still am physically not up to par. I feel like I want to throw up.  Also, I feel very weak. I’d like to crawl back in bed but for some unknown reason they keep me in my wheelchair. This is not a good day.

9:38pm. The afternoon went better. I took a little nap and felt refreshed afterwards. Also talked with Chocolatechip about different things. We talked on Messenger about ger fiance’s. She is going to be in good shape this month. We also talked about how mo st of the old timers at OT are gone. He lets anything go these days and will accept anyone. We also talked about our mutual “friend” Wayne. Chocolatechip said that he hopes he had someplace to stay. I said I wouldn’t wish homelessness on my worse enemy. But it was Wayne’s  own fault he got evicted

We had a nice conversation around suppertime. Supper was good and I ate it all. Surprisingly I didn’t get sick from supper or lunch. I think I both meals and the lunch put me in better spirits.  I felt better physically and emotionally in the afternoon.

Then I did a lot of reading . I’m still reading a The Definitive FDR Volume One The Fox and the Lion by James Macgregor Burns. I’m really enjoying this book. I was reading about Roosevelt’s first Hundred Days. when he was first  sworn in Roosevelt called a special session of Congress. Roosevelt was able to pass phiis legislative program that became known as The New Deal. The author also talked about his first term I office and leadership style. I thought this was very interesting. I would definitely give this book a five star rating.

Reading relaxes me. I was able to get lost in a good book. I forgot about my own fears and problems. In the material I read Burns wrote about the Great Depression. People really had it rough back then. As I was reading about this I began to think I don’t have it so bad. I get a monthly SS check. I’m in a safe place where I. Getting decent care. The more I thought about this the more I realized how fortunate I am I this brought me out of the depression I was experiencing this morning.

Oh I found out today that my roommate is leaving tomorrow. I will be sorry to see him go. We hadn’t talk very much but he was a nice old guy. He let me use his charger to charge up my tablet. I tried to he?p him out a few times. He also was very quiet and kept his TV down. I greatly appreciated that. I hope I don’t get a new roommate anytime soon. But I’m wondering what the new one will be likee I hope I don’t get stuck with a loud mouth a

Today’s y ended on a brighter note than it began. I was pretty sick physically and mentally in the morning. But I had nice aids today who cleaned wanted me up. Chocolatechip cheered me up. I had three good meals I was also able to get into a very good bio. All of these helped in turning around a shitty start.