Friday 3/25/22

6:00am They got me in bed around ten.  I up and in my wheelchair this morning. I feel vet tired. At least i only have to wait about an hour for breakfast and coffee. At least I’m above the dirt.

I had so so night. I was in some pain from arthritis.i also found myself in an uncomfortable position.bi tried and tried to move but my legs were hurting so bad. Consequently, I didn’t sleep very well but that’s par for the course. Still, I feel ok except for being tired. I sure could use a cup of coffee now.

I was also checking out audiobooks last nigh. I’m having second thoughts about buying more.  I figured out that you can play a sample of the book. I tried it last night and couldn’t hear the narrator. If I can’t hear what they offer for free why fork out the money? Then again they are so expensive. This one book I was looking at costs over $30. I think I’m sticking to ebooks.

But I spent most of last night reading. I read the first chapter in The Fox and the Lion 1882-1940 by James MagGregor Burns. I think I’m going to enjoy this book. I read from after supper until they put me to bed. I forgot about my problems and had a nice, relaxing evening.

9:18am I had a good breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausage paddy,sweet roll and oj. I had two cups of hot coffee and a cup of oj. It was pretty good. I was feeling great after breakfast. Then my mood went down, very down. I felt so depressed. I do not know or understand what triggered this bout.n Like I said I was doing ok then it hit meh like a  truck.

I sat in my wheelchair staring at the wall. I felt so tired. I think I fell a sleep. I wanted to go back to bed and never get up again. I had an accidental earlier and that contributed to the depression. I dare not ring the call light for fear of getting that male aid. This fear made me more than depressed and I kept saying to myself I need to grow a pair of balls.

I was talking to Chocolatechip this morning. I told her about reporting the male aid. She said good. I asked if anyone bothered her last night.bzsShe said someone knocked lightly right after she went to bed. She  talked about the stuff she has to do to get ready for inspection, which is Monday. She said maybe maintenance will come today to fix her work orders. I said if they don’t it’s not your fault. We didn’t talk too much because she had to get back to basic housecleaning.

Chocolatechip did say one thing. She said I’m in a good place. I do not need to worry about inspection. She said with my health I never would of passed. I agreed with her. I never would have made it through inspection this time. My apartment was a disaster area and I was in no shape to clean it up. I  Thought about not being able to live by myself and this was another trigger.

Knowing this didn’t help my mood any. I thought about what we talked about and began thinking I’m really going down the tubes. I cannot walk anymore. I can’t control my bowels. I can’t do a lot of things I used to take for granted. Thinking about these things no doubt triggered the depression.

This brought on feelings of hopelessness. I’m not going to get better. I certainly will not be going back to the high rise. I’m only seventy This seems to be my  final destination. This thought made me very, very depressed.

3:56pm I had a good lunch of beef stew,a biscuit,tossed salad and sliced peaches for desert. I had one cup of cold coffee and two glasses of oj. Despite the coffee being cold lunch was pretty good. I ate it all Talked briefly to Chocolatechip. She said she was taking the bus to Shop and Save for groceries.

.I started to read The Fox and the Lion by James MagGregor Burns. I was reading about FDR’s years at Harvard. He was an indifferent student getting an average grade. But he graduated and went on to law school bat Columbia. He passed the New York bar exam during his third year. I think the author of said he did not complete his studies.

This is a very interesting bio of Franklin Roosevelt. The trouble is I get sleepy when reading it. I fall asleep in my wheelchair. I read for about an hour and then fell asleep again. I picked up the story of FDR’s young life. How he looked upon his cousin Theodore Roosevelt as a hero. How Franklin married his fifth cousin and TR’s niece Eleanor Roosevelt. Then I got sleepy again and went back to bed.

I got to feeling better this afternoon. Then I had an accident. I had a couple of episodes. I was afraid to ring the call light for fear of getting that male aid. I soon got depressed again. If I could get it out on time I would use the damned urinal. Do they think it is fun peeing myself and having some ody change you? It is not fun! It is pretty damned humiliating especially when they give you a hard time. I’m going to talk to the nurse tonight and the social worker Monday morning.

Dealing with this soon made me depressed again. I tried to continue with my reading but couldn’t concentrate. I kept thinking about that male aid especially when he was in my room attending to my roommate. I got kind of paranoid when he spoke to my roommate in a very loud voice. I wondered if that was for my benefit.

I chatted with Chocolatechip when she got back home. I told her about this latest problem. She told me about what she bought on her shopping trip. She said she was feeling pretty good this afternoon and should try to get out more often. We chatted about different things. They have a Bible Study group in the building. Lady from that group used to call Chocolatechip. She went a couple of times. I said I like to read the Bible. I can’t quote chapter and verse but I do like to read it. I told her about having a NIV Study Bible on my tablet. I said that is a great Bible.

We also talked about her work orders. Chocolatechip said Roger and Ed were in while she was out shopping. Chocolatechip said she put in four work orders. They fixed one thing. Greg was also in checking on smoke detectors. She went on about how she waited for them all week.Then they come around on the day she went out shopping. I said it isn’t your fault if you come up with a definite. You put in a work order.

We had a nice long conversation on Messenger. Then she had to go get something to eat. She said she will eat one of the subs she bought. We talked about our supper for awhile I said I’m having a fish sandwich.h I can’t wait until supper. I only hope the coffee will be hot this time.

8:34pm I had a second run in with the male aid. I had a major accident shortly before supper. He came in very pissed. He said, “Why can’t you use the urinal?” He changed me but was not nice about it. Later on I told one of the aids on afternoon shift. I said this is the second time. I also said that at this point I’m afraid to press the call light. She said she is on duty this weekend and will take care of me. She also said she will tell the nurse and something will be done. I hate to rat out people but this type of behavior is inexcusable.

I had a so so supper. I had a fish sandwich and tater tots. It was better than nothing and it filled me up. So I cannot complain about the food.

Chocolatechip had a male visitor. He said he is moving in across the hall from her. He just broke up with his gf and his very lonely. He has no friends in the building he said. Anyways Chocolate said he is big on the Bible and that was the !ain focus of their conversation. I said be very careful I don’t want to see you get hurt again. You have been hurt so many times before from people in the building. She is aid she is going to be careful because she doesn’t want to get harassed, stalked or anything else to happen to her.

I told her about the incident with the male aid. I also said . She said he needs to disciplined or dismissed. Then I told her I mentioned the incident to a night aid. She is going to talk to the nurse. She said good I need to speak up for myself. I said I don’t like to complain too much to staff but this cannot continue.v

We had a nice chat session on Messenger. She was getting hungry and tired .she wanted to go to bed after eating something. I did I would like to go to bed now. I e been in this wheelchair since six. That is over fourteen hours!

I also did some reading in my book The Lion and the Fox by James MagGregor Burns. I finished the first two chapters. I keep going over the same material because I want to learn something. My memory is not like it used to be. But then again nothing is like it used to be.

Another day in my life has come and gone. It wasn’t a bad day except for that one incident. I had mild arthritis pain in my legs.v I had a bout with depression but was able to bounce back. I had few incontinence episodes. I had three good meals. I had my meds. Care could of been better but something will be done about it. Life is good